Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[mgrant]

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and
it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the
"Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I
kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and
forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the
midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was
on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him
face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will
and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."

[I love this part....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!

 

[mgrant]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says
to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor!

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars,and the computer lights
up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot
and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!!!

 

[mgrant]

A Texan Is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He
hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a
typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my
boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!"
were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say,
you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two
weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born.
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
circumcised."

 

[mgrant]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to
Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The
husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her
email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The
widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:




To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[mgrant]

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you
do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"



The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the
American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the American
and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.



A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried
his face in his hands -- he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the
ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the
air.



The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed
on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.



The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever
done it before!"



The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last
ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard
as I could."



"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"



"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
testicles

 

[mgrant]

Not so much a joke as it is enlightening......



The Tax System - Explained With Beer


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten
comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it
would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are
all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your
daily beer by $20.'Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the
first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But
what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted
that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would
each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested
that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same
amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 ( 25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued
to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed
to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar,
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat
down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill,
they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our
tax system works. The people who pay the highest tax es get the most
benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being
wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might
start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 

[scooper77515]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:












YOU'VE GOT MALE!

 

[moosehead]

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.

The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, “You just put, ‘Gordon died.’”

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Gordon died?’

Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Gordon. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more.”

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K., then. You put ‘Gordon died. Boat for sale.’”

 

[scooper77515]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!” “That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.” “How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?” “Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!”

 

[moosehead]

Three pirates were marooned on a deserted island. Fortunately, the bar wench from the Gangplank Saloon was also stranded with them, and she was a dazzler.

They worked out an arrangement whereby each pirate took turns weekly sharing the lass’s bed. In turn, they took great care of her by providing shelter, food, security, companionship, and good humor. Good deal all around.

One day, she up and died.

It wasn’t so bad the first three weeks. Touch and go week four. Then it got progressively worse, then brutal. Finally, they had had enough.

So they decided to bury her.

 

[scooper77515]

Eeewwwww!uke:

And no amount of rum would make that any more pleasant.

 

[moosehead]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly.

Bartender asks, "What's the deal with the Wheel?"

He replies, "Arrggh, it's drivin me nuts!"

 

[mike2]

good reading on a really boring night thanks for the laughs..

 

[scooper77515]

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God thought for a few moments and replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[scooper77515]

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Sorry, not all that funny...:hat:

 

[scooper77515]

Sorry for that last one, not too funny.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'




After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

[scooper77515]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

 

[scooper77515]

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "

 

[scooper77515]

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 

[scooper77515]

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

 

[scooper77515]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 

[moosehead]

Dirty Johnnie's elementary school teacher was asking her class to go through the alphabet, say a word that begins with that letter, and then use that word in a sentence.

She started with the letter "A". Dirty Johnnie frantically waved his hand, but she couldn't call on him cause he would say arsehole. Jane said "A", Apple, This apple is red.

Same with the letter "C", better not call on Dirty Johnnie. Another kid said "C", Cat, The Cat is purring.

God forbid if she called on him when "F" came up, though he was going crazy wanting to be called on. Someone else used Firetruck.

Then she got to "R". Dirty Johnnie's hand shot up. She thought for a moment, and figured it would be safe, not too much bad material with "R".

So she called on Dirty Johnnie. He breaks out a huge grin. Then began.












"R", Rat, A BIG MOTHERF#!@&*! RAT WITH A TEN INCH #!@$&*!


edited for content, sorry if this offends you pirates.

 

[scooper77515]

Might want to swap that last word out with wiener or something, to keep it clean. Or sorta clean :cheers:

I have had to refrain from posting lots of jokes because so many of them are sexual, homophobic, or just plain raunchy. I try to keep them clean enough that my 10-year old nephew could log on and read them.

He would love the Rat one :reddevil:

 

[moosehead]

Might want to swap that last word out with wiener or something, to keep it clean. Or sorta clean :cheers:

Done. Good advice.

______________


Five year old Dirty Johnnie is in the shower with Dad, and asks him what he's got hanging down between his legs. "Well son, that's my hatchet".

Dirty Johnnie looks puzzled as says: "Oh. Well then what happened between Mom's legs?"

His Dad says, "Uh, well, you see son, that's where I got her with my hatchet".

Dirty Johnnie says; "Dayum Pops, good aim, you got her right in the Vajajyay!"

 

[Chester]

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Chester