Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[AKnarrowback]

There was a Country to the north of the USA that had no name. One day the inhabitants of the area got together and decided to come up with one.

"We need a simple name, one that is easily remembered" said one.

"Yes, maybe just letters, like our friends to the south" said another.

So it was decided that in one week, with the rest of the world watching, the leader of the territory would have a small child draw three letters out of a hat and the letters would be their name forever more.

So on live television the the little boy reached into the hat three times, handed the letter to the leader who, with great excitement, proclaimed each letter for all the world to hear.

"C! eh".

"N! eh".

"D! eh".

And that territory has forever been known as Canada by the rest of the world..........

 

[lamajama]

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown New York and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go to
Philadelphia ."

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.​

 

[lamajama]

n the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.



After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,

the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."



Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.


"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.


I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of ...."


Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get screwed."​

 

[lamajama]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?”​

 

[lamajama]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The little boy had been looking out of the window. He
turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the
flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother
tell you to ask me?" The boy replied, "Yes, she did." “Well," said the
flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother
explain that to you.”​

 

[The Dazza]

2 blondes walk into a bar you’d think the first one would have seen it

 

[lamajama]

Lexophile" is word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write
with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come
up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed
location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... The batteries were given out free of charge

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.​

And the cream of the twisted crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

[lamajama]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus​

in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.​

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely​

and completely tore off the driver's door.​

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to​

see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus​

with his lights flashing.​

​

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions,​

the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus,​

which he had just purchased the day before, was completely​

ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car​

body shop tried to make it new again.​

​

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,​

the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how​

materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on​

your possessions that you neglect the most important things in​

life."​

​

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.​

The cop replied, "You're so busy bitching about your​

new Lexus that you don't even realize that your​

left arm is missing! It was severed when the truck hit you!"​

​

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer​

"My Rolex !!!!”​

 

[lamajama]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so.. I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard​

 

[noviceskier]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"


Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[lamajama]

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. He put on some soft background music, and cooked a pound of shrimp to go with a jar of caviar, and a bottle of champagne. He left another pound of shrimp he’d bought uncooked.

When he'd finished his meal, he went into every room and deposited a handful of raw shrimp into the hollow centre of all the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, his ex-wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid refused to make her weekly cleaning visits.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... But only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!​

 

[lamajama]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."​

 

[lamajama]

A simplified urine test that may be relevant for us!!??

Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimer​

 

[lamajama]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I hand a situation with my wife.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is s one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder...

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[lamajama]

The Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record
his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over on the east end."
· My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
· "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies,...."The asshole had a paper route"

 

[AKnarrowback]

I was joking with my supervisor about how fast our shop trucks can go. He said the "the speed limit".

I said.....



He didn't laugh...

I wasn't joking......


What I can't figure out is who has the time to hit the "dismiss" button when they are going that fast.......


(BTW, I haven't show him the "proof" yet. He still thinks I'm joking)

 

[Ifonecapa]

Haha. That's awkward, and how can you tell your supervisor you're not joking.

 

[AKnarrowback]

Haha. That's awkward, and how can you tell your supervisor you're not joking.

E-mail on my way out the door when I retire.