Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[scooper77515]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone..

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[scooper77515]

This just in!!!

BP HAS FINALLY STOPPED THE LEAK!!



Apparently they put a huge wedding ring over it and it just stopped putting out.

 

[scooper77515]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicityunimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404)-875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men have found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

By the way, I am pretty sure that really IS the Atlanta Humane Society number, so do not call it unless you really are inquiring about a dog and live locally.

 

[crisso]

A salesman knocks on the front door of a house.A young boy answers the door wearing a smoking jacket,smoking a huge fat cigar and has a glass of cognac in his hand.The salesman is a little taken back but asks the young boy,'Are your parents home please'.The boy replies'What do you think,you dickhead,Are your eyes painted on?'

 

[crisso]

A local government wants a footpath laid so it ask for price tenders.1st guy quotes $2000.2nd guy quotes $4000 and the 3rd guy quotes $6000.The tender officer is so amused by the $6000 quote he asks the guy to come to his office.He says to the guy,"mate,its only a bloody footpath.Where do you get off quoting $6000.That's just robbery".The guy replies,"Gee ,I thought it was a no brainer.$2000 for you,$2000 for me and we get the 1st guy to do it."

 

[slangford]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower? Give her a shovel!

 

[slangford]

A guy goes into a bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over his shirt. He goes to the bartender and says "Buddy you got to help me. If I go home like this my wife is gonna kill me." The bartender says "No problem pal. Take a ten dollar bill and stick it in your top pocket, when you get home tell the wife some guy got drunk and puked on you, gave you the ten bucks to get your shirt clean." Drunk says "Thanks" and heads home. Sure enough his wife meets him at the door. Drunk says "Honey I can explain." and gives her the story and hands her the cash. She looks at the money and says "But you realize this is a twenty you just gave me ?" Drunk says "Oh yeah I forgot he also crapped in my pants."

 

[Guruofsleep@aol.com]

baptism

Can't wait to tell that one at church tomorrow.

 

[crisso]

How do you turn a fox into a dog,,Marry her.

 

[crisso]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.He is drinking his beer when all hell breaks loose in the pool table area.The bartender yells at the guy,"your stupid monkey just ate a few pool balls! Pay up and get that thing outa here".
A week later the guy and his monkey are back.The monkey is all polite and well behaved untill the bartender yells are the guy,"that monkey of yours is sick.Its grabbing cocktail onions outa the jar,shoving them up its bum,pulling them out and eating them".The guy replies,"well after the pool balls he swallowed last week, he now checks everything for size before he eats it".

 

[scooper77515]

Has anyone seen God lately?

So it was noticed in Heaven that God had been missing for the past 7 days, and the Angels were getting worried. So they sent Michael the Archangel to look for him.

When Michael finally found God, he asked "God, where have you been? its been 7 days!"

God replied "Oh Michael, isn't that beautiful?" he says pointing to his newest creation "I think I'll call it Earth"

"Wow, thats.....amazing" stammered Michael.

"Isn't it? Want me to tell you about it?" God asked. " Yes! Do!" Michael replies with great enthusiasm.

"So I decided to create a place of perfect balance. Like here, I have HUGE mountains, but low valleys. Oh! And look here, I call this Europe, here they will be EXTREMELY rich, but down here in Africa they will be poor. And over here, this place called Brazil will be hot, but Alaska will be cold!"

"Wow, God, this is amazing"

"Isn't it?, wait there is more. Over here, I have just created a placed called Washington, and here I place all the smartest people in the world."

"But God wont that throw off the balance?"

"No, because over here I made Washington D.C., and wait until you see the idiots I put here"..

 

[scooper77515]

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush!

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times... What we have is.......

Blue Cross!!"

 

[slangford]

A young man goes to visit his Grandma. When he goes to leave he says "Sorry for eating all your almonds Grandma". She replies " Its ok dear, ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them".

 

[slangford]

An old couple sitting on their front porch. Their old dog licking himself. The old man says "Wish I could do that." His wife says "So ask him if he minds."

 

[scooper77515]

When I heard that one, the punch line was "I wish I could do that, but last time I tried, he bit me!" :ack:

 

[scooper77515]

New Seaman

The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to "get your @% over here".

"What's your name sailor?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

"John", the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal, pansy-ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself perfectly clear sailor?"

"Aye, aye, Chief!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling Chief. My name is John Darling, Chief!"

"Okay......John, here's what I want you to do..."

 

[scooper77515]

Be Careful. A SCAM against older men!!!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or... See More your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

[scooper77515]

Heaven or Hell?

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in n heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before
he realizes it, it is time to go

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted."

 

[scooper77515]

The Cow, the Ant, and the Moron.

A Cow, an Ant and a Moron were debating who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest.



The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest.




The Moron:
























Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something....:dupe:

 

[scooper77515]

Not really a joke, but funny...

The Truth about Tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 

[scooper77515]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. "But we didn't use them.''
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," ."Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a check and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'' "That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

 

[b15philly]

The Man Sun Tanning

This one is bad lol

There was a man reading a newspaper and sun tanning on the
beach, in the nude. Then he saw a little girl walk towards him
so he put the newspaper over his d&$k.

The little girl said "what do you have under that newspaper."

The man said "I have a bird under this newspaper."

The girl said "ok" and left

The man decided to take a nap, he woke up in the hospital.

The doctor asked him "do you remember anthing"

The man said " the last thing I remember was a little girl
asking me a question.

They find the little girl and asked her what she did.

She said " Well the man said he had a bird so I started to play
with it, then it spat at me, so I snapped his neck cracked its
eggs and set its nest on fire

 

[b15philly]

Dennis Rodman

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up ...suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle.
"Master, I may grant you one wish." says the genie with a smile.

"Hey, B$#@h... don't you know who I am ... I don't need no woman give me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thinks a moment ... then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all... he says "Ok, ok ... I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare) "Now leave me alone!" he screams.

So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.

 

[b15philly]

The man and the Ostrich

This one is just corny lol

A man walked into a Wendys with his ostrich and ordered a combo #3 and the woman behind the counter asked "Well what about your ostrich?"
The man said "oh, he'll have a Pepsi"

The woman said "ok that'll be $7.81"

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly $7.81 in change.

The same thing happened 2 more times. Finially the woman asked "How do you keep pulling out the exact right amount in change??"

The man replied "Well I was cleaning out my attic and i found a lamp i rubbed it and a Genie cam out and offered me 2 wishes and my first wish was to have all the money for everything i wanted." The woman said "Ok and the ostrich??"

The man said "I wished for a chick with long legs."

 

[b15philly]

Famous Marketing Screw Ups

I like these ones......

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."