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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

The blonde sniffs, and says, 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister... Her mother died, too!'
 
Does anyone even read these, other than me and Moosehead?

If not, I will stop wasting my time posting them...

WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!

Post some of your own jokes! :cheers:
 
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I'm afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied.
“I'm wondering just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.”
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol: dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil: alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Betty Lou was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!” That pretty much ended the service
 
A rather unpleasant and unsightly gal walks into a bar, bellies up, and tries in vain to get the bartenders attention.

Fed up with being ignored, she waves her hand above her head and this massive foul ball of hair cascades from beneath her armpit over the bar.

An old drunk at the end of the bar, eyeing this spectacle and sloshed to the hilt, says to the tender: “I’ll buy the little lady a drink!”

The missy slams it back, raises her arm to ask for another, and again the hair waterfall drops to the bar.

The drunk, astonished, immediately slurs at the top of his lungs: “I’ll buy the little lady another drink!” At this point, everyone else are a bit disturbed, so the bartender walks over and asks the drunk why, for the love of god, is he buying drinks for this gal.

The drunk shouts: “Cause any little lady that can get a leg that high over her head deserves a cocktail!”
 
Engineers don't get it...

An engineer, a doctor, and a priest are golfing one day. They end up getting stuck behind a horribly slow group. After several frustratingly slow holes of waiting and watching the hackers, they ask one of the course employees if something can be done.

The course worker explains that 2 of the men were firefighters that had been blinded in the line of duty.

The priest replies, "That is horrible, I will say a prayer for them that they might have their sight returned."

The doctor says, "I'll talk to some of my colleagues to see what can be done for them."

The engineer questions, "Why can't they play at night?:svengo:"
 
I read them too when I have some time to kill, funny stuff guys.
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”
 
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his arse and let him go!"
 
:spam:

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
Click to expand...

Not only did he spam us...but he didn't even have the decency to add a complete joke.
 
I read em' too Scooper

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are pregnant sitting around while their husbands are at work.

The brunnette says "well i'm going to be having a girl"

The blonde and redhead are a little surprised by this and ask "how do you know that?"

Brunette replies "well i was on the bottom when we concieved, so that means your going to have a girl"

Redhead replies "Well i'm having a boy then, i was on top"

The blonde begins crying histerically "Oh no!! I'm going to have pups!"
 
On college grads....The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
 
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. " See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored to death before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified, as he screamed "HELP ME, HELP ME, WHAT CAN I DO"??

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..........

"YOUR BADGE!! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!"
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, “No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
 
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not hat you can hardly tell cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...... pregnant when you met her.
 
Two buddies, Tom and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the world. Their entire adult lives, Tom and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Tom passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Tom's voice from beyond.
"Tom is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it’s me," Tom replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
 
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