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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

Hide and Seek

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's' whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your

Mommy there?' '

Yes .'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice w hispered, 'No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy And Mommy and the Fireman ,'Came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'
 
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Couple in their honeymoon room the groom takes off his pants and throws them at his wife, saying "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."

He replies, "Don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her panties throws them at him saying, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I... can't get into your panties!" She says,
"And you never will with that attitude."
 
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter ” Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!”] The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says ” Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast.” The man says ” well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have.” The bartender says ” Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?” The man looks at him and says ” Fifty cents.”
 
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: “What’s wrong with your turtle?” “Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!” “Not a chance!”, replies the barkeep. “Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.” So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says – “I WIN… Told you it ll be there before your dog!”
 
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny'sfather to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, youare only ten years old. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room.

It's bigger than mine, and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay thenhow will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to supportJenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week andI make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us justfine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. Whatwill you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,



"Well, we've been lucky so far."



Mr. Smith no longer thinks, the little snot is adorable............
 
Got this in email today.

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Doesn't that pretty much sum up the media's approach to the news these days?
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
Feel free to delete if too inappropriate...

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny new bike stopped next to him. "Nice bike" the cop said. "did Santa bring that to you?" "Yep." The little girl said. "He sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The little girl looked up at the cop and and said "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring him to you?" "Yes he sure did." Chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said "Next year tell Santa the d!&k goes underneath the horse not on top!"
 
A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
The wounded golfer

A couple of women were playing golf on a sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward the foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The women rushed to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nooo,I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied," It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 
Where does God live?

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is," the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher.
Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!" "That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom," he said. "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself. "Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'
 
A man and his wife are driving home and having an argument about his driving. Angry, the man looks at his wife and says "Why did God make you so beautiful but so dumb?" The wife thought for a minute then replied "Well, he made me beautiful so you would love me .......... and he made me dumb so I would love you!
 
The young grandson said to his grandfather, "Grandpa, I didn't know you played football?" "I don't," says the grandfather, "what makes you think that I do?" "Well," says the grandson, "daddy says, as soon as grandpa 'kicks off' we're getting a new car!"
 
Don't get old

A senior couple went to the doctor for the husbands annual checkup. The husband was hard of hearing so when the doctor called his name, He said what did he say, to his wife. His wife said ,"it's your turn " and the man went in to be examined. When the doctor finished, They came out to the waiting room and the doctor explained to the wife that except for a slight hearing problem the man seemed to be in good shape. He than said to the man that he would now need a urine sample, a stool sample and a seman sample. The man turned to his wife and said " What did he say" ". The wife than said," Give him your under shorts"
 
ironwoman.jpg
 
Speaking of old-guy jokes....

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.... A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his next visit the doctor asked the man, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." ....
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that.... I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."...:hurray:
 
No offense. Just a joke...

A illegal immigrant gets picked up near Ajo, Arizona, and gets taken into the immigration office and he is asked to sit down.
The officer says, Ok Amigo, I tell you what. If you can use the following 3 words in a sentence, I will grant your citizenship. Green, Pink, Yellow


the illegal immigrant thinks for a few minutes and looks to the officer with a smile
Si I have answer for you
Las nite I here the phone go green, green, green
Then I pink it up
And then I say yellow?
 
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
 
4 married guys went fishing

After an hour, the following conversation took place:
|
| First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..' |
|
| Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.' |
|
| Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
|
| They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?”
|
| Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
| When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
| Gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
|
| 'Fishing or Sex?'

| And she said:…………….. 'Wear sun-block.'
 
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