• This site contains eBay affiliate links for which Sea-Doo Forum may be compensated.

Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

Warning! Beware of sexual innuendos and some in bad taste.

Heres one for the golfers out there.


Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...

A 'Rock Hudson*'*- a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein'*- from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat'*- butt ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Kennedy Jr.'*- didn't quite make it over the water.

A 'Rodney King'*- over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'- got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace'*- should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di'*- shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom'*- safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian'*- shaved the hole.

A 'Rush Limbaugh'*- a little to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi'*- Way to the left and out of bounds.

A 'James Joyce'*- a putt that's impossible to read.

A 'Ted Kennedy'*- goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman'*- too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono'*- straight into the trees.

A '*Paris Hilton'*- a very expensive hole.

A 'Tiger Woods' - Wrong Hole.
 
Bwaahaaahaaa! Too bad we gave up golf.

I'm going to tell my dock mate that his Chris Craft should be rechristened Paris Hilton.
 
Warning! Blonde joke, with poor taste!

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.'
 
A parishoner takes his priest fishing for the first time. Sure enough, on the priest's first cast, he hauls in a monster fish. The parishoner exclaims: "Father, that's the biggest sumbeyotch i've ever seen!" Father says, my son, you can't use that kind of language." The parishoner says, Father, it's OK that's the kind of fish it is, a sumbeyotch."

That night, the Priest hands the fish to a Nun and says: "Sister, can you please clean this sumbeyotch?" The Nun is horrified and objects to such foul language. The Priest explains that it's OK, that's the kind of fish it is.

So the Nun asks the church chef if he'll cook up the sumbeyotch, he objects until hearing that's it's OK.

So they decide serve up a fresh fish meal to the new Bishop, welcoming him to the church.

The Priest says, "I caught that sumbeyotch!"

The Nun says, "I cleaned that sumbeyotch!"

The Chef says, "I cooked that sumbeyotch!"

The Bishop says, my children, make no mistake, we cannot use that kind of language in the house of the Lord, but it sure is going to be a helluva lotta fun working with you mofo's!"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
yea, that last one was softened up a tad
_____________________________

A guy owned a small family marina. The Dept. of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.

"Well" replied the owner, "there's the mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The yard guy has been here for 18 months and I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of burbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to- the half-wit", says the agent.

"You're talkin to him", replied the boss.
 
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
 
As a partial member of the tribe, I'm going to go ahead and post this.
_________________________________________

So a Jewish kid asks his father for $20 bucks.

His dad replies: "$15 bucks, whattaya want $10 for?"
 
I got ya, after I tell a jew joke, and people look at me like I am being non-politically correct (politically incorrect), I ask them "Where do you think I got this big Einstein nose?"
 
Yeah, might get ya booted.

We will see.

Actually, you would get a warning and the post deleted, I would guess.

But I am pretty sure we all have a good sense of humor and as long as we understand it is in jest, we can all get a laugh at the stereotype.

Just to be safe, though, we should probably steer clear of race, ethnicity, religion, etc.

I guess blonde jokes, redneck jokes, and similar would still be OK. Is Redneck an ethnicity? :lols:
 
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road.... ....

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side.. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?'
 
An older couple get pulled over in Atlanta for speeding.

The officer says: “License and registration, please.”

The lady, who is hard of hearing, says: “What?”

Her husband, lends her a hand and yells a bit loudly: “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”

The officer then says: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

She still can’t hear the policeman, so she asks him: “What?”

Her husband again steps in and says: “DO YOU KNOW WHY HE STOPPED US?”

Then the officer looks at her Florida license, and getting a bit tired of this routine mutters to himself: “I had the worst piece of arse of my life in Florida.”

The lady says: “Huh, what?”

Her husband interjects and says: “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.”
 
Theory vs. Reality

A son comes home and asks dad to help him with a philosophy paper on Theory vs. Reality.

Dad suggests an experiment with Mom and Daughter as participants.

Dad asks them both: "My lovely wife and darling daughter, whattaya think, would either of you sleep with some strange guy for $1 Million?"

Mom says, "Yea, I would, we could use the dough."

The daughter says: "One Meeelion dollars, heck yea!"

Dad says, "There you go son, in Theory we're worth $2 Million, in Reality we live with a bunch of Hookers!"
 
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, drivingeven more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


You know, you just can't fix stupid.
 
This one borders RIGHT ON THE EDGE of poor taste...sorry...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
 
I haven't been around a while, so...

Mikey the Alter boy.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.I have been with a loose girl.'The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Mickey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.''And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Mickey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so youmay as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Mickey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads...'
 
A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Klu Klux Klan. 'This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.
 
The Toilet Seat

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied,

"Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed!!!"
 
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?" "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob.. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
 
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux went camping in the desert. After
they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours
later, Thibodeaux woke Boudreaux and said, "Ma sha, look towards da sky, what you see?"

Boudreaux replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What dat tell you?" asked Thibodeaux.

Boudreaux pondered for a minute then said: "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, mother nature is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Whats' it tell you, Thibodeaux?"


Thibodeaux says: "Boudreaux, you dumber than a cow patty. It
mean somebody done stole da tent!" :lols:
 
Boudreaux is driving down a back road in Louisiana.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things"
 
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outta night
crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful
or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat
ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's
arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat ha cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite
him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint of moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf.
Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit
dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He look
down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.
 
C'MON!!! WAKE UP, Jokesters!!!

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

I
2024 Fish Pro Trophy Water in Gas
Replies
5
Views
441
200mph
2
etemplet
What was your Most Miserable Bastid ?
Replies
8
Views
469
DaddyLoafin
D
Pragmatic661
Yellow 587 rotary valve oiling
Replies
4
Views
540
Mumbles
M
etemplet
  • Locked
Water in the Engine RFI
Replies
0
Views
371
etemplet
etemplet
JoeZ
PWC Muscle Reviews the Explorer Pro: A Sea-Doo Adventure to St. Augustine
Replies
0
Views
1,614
JoeZ
JoeZ
Back
Top