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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my

friend
,


"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-sh!t!
 
Please God

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat, I heard his earnest request, "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
 
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
 
Last night after shopping my wife and I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said, "Buy One, Get One Free."

"They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free."

She handed me my free lattes and we walked out the door.

(..........she wasn't blonde either)
 
then what....what?

We went home, is that what you mean???

OH, this isn't really a haha joke just a funny story.

just like your 10 things that sound dirty but isn't,........funny, but no punch line needed.
 
now, sticking with with the subject , its time for another one of griz's stupid jokes, does anyone ever read em ????



A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm...


A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
 
Hi Sweetheart,

I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.

I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.

I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.

All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.

Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!

I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to the golf course.

Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.

I'll be home later.

Love you……










































christmas lights.jpg
 
Sink...once again, what is funny about this?

I have three of those across the front of my house. That is all the decorations we are putting up this year.

I call them "lit hornet nests", and my wife just ADORES them!:p
 
:lol::lols:Hahahahahaha.that is a good one Sink.Hahaha.Absolutly love it!(hope I spelt that rite,or is that wright,as in the brothers)
 
Why the vagina is the best motor:

1. It's really easy to start, sometimes all it takes is one finger
2. It's self lubricating
3. It takes any size piston
4. It changes its on oil every month

The only thing really wrong with it is the management system is so damn tempermental!!!
 
Ok... This is an old one but so are all of scooper8675309's so I figure it will fit right in.

FIRST TIME SEX ............




A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 
Didn't I post that joke previously? Maybe somewhere between page 6 and 12?

Go back and re-read them all, and make sure.

I am entitled to a monetary reimbursement if you guys start doubling up on my jokes...
 
Yes, that was a rerun joke. Here is a fresh one.

A young maiden asks her courter to come over Saturday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the maiden announces to her courter that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The courter is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the local apthecary to get some condoms. He tells the apothecary it's his first time and the apothecary helps the lad for about an hour. He tells the lad everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the apothecary asks the lad how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The lad insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the lad shows up at the girl's parents house and meets the young maiden at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The lad goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the maiden's parents are seated. The lad quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the lad is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the young courter.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the young maiden leans over and whispers to the lad, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The lad turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was the local apothecary.'
 
Jake - you repeated joke of post #488 from Sink....just changed some words.

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned

Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours? "

He replied, " No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.

These are customer complaints."
 
How about this one?


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her ADOPTED parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's ADOTPTED parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your ADOPTED father was a pharmacist.'
 
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A 12 year old girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was Jerry Sandusky.'
 
Now THAT was funny, Jake!!!! :rofl:

Sometimes reworked jokes are even better!!!! Take a lesson, Scoop! Besides, after 20 pages, I've forgetten the joke.....

With age comes.... CRAP! I can't remember what comes with age!
 
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator for
safe keeping.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think....
 
OK guys, wife and I are on vacation in Santa Fe, NM and haven't been on in a while, but got a good HOOT out of the jokes, and i am pretty sure the wife laughed so hard she piddled herself:rofl:

Thanks for helping to finish of a great day in the snowy mountains following an AWESOME dinner! And a couple of drinks...
 
Ole Fills In


A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get

Off work and go hunting, so he

Approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns

The following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of

Three patients. 'The first one had a
Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, mate, and the second one?'

Asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,

Taking off everything including

Her panties and lies

Down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME - I haven't
Seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,

What did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!



You thought I was sending a dirty joke!!
 
Excedrin works much better for me, why did he give the first patient tylenol?

As a matter of fact, I think I need one right about now.
 
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