How a woman's brain works...notice how it always says NO....
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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
Sink
New Member
Unless you ask them if they need more money...
Women never need "more" money...they need it ALL!!!
Hunting with a wife
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. in the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. in the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
Blonde deer hunters?
bigJake
Well-Known Member
yea, and I'm an executive in the petoleum industry. Goober hired me on down at the fillin station as the night manager. course the station is closed at night so i just sweep up and clean the bathroom. usually i finish early so i gits to spend the rest of my time lookin at some of them there girly magazines with the nekid pictures.
Thanksgiving day forcast ................................
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
happy turkey day all
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
happy turkey day all
Safe to swim here?
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
u answered the thread, now, u have to add a joke, thats the rules, and add on your avatar what kind of watercraft, and most put up a picture of it --- and if ur up to a challenge, say hi to jake and lou, i think they have been waitin to hear from u, oh, by the way, welcome to seadooforums, - dont forget the new joke
Placing Your Order
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Sink - this one is for you......
On her fifteenth birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters and out came a beauty case, containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was not a tackle box, but it was a beauty kit.
My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge and other cosmetics.
At this point, I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures!"
On her fifteenth birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters and out came a beauty case, containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was not a tackle box, but it was a beauty kit.
My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge and other cosmetics.
At this point, I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures!"
A group of deer hunters are in camp when they realize that they are running low on provisions.
The group appointed Joe to get supplies.
Joe went into the store and bought 10 bottles of whiskey, 12 cases of beer and 2 packages of hotdogs.
When he returned to the camp the group looked in his truck and they asked, "Joe, what in the world are we gonna do with all them damn hotdogs?"
The group appointed Joe to get supplies.
Joe went into the store and bought 10 bottles of whiskey, 12 cases of beer and 2 packages of hotdogs.
When he returned to the camp the group looked in his truck and they asked, "Joe, what in the world are we gonna do with all them damn hotdogs?"
One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple and how devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I don't know her well enough."
.....shouldn't be a problem for Sis and her gang.....
"I don't know her well enough."
.....shouldn't be a problem for Sis and her gang.....
An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff
no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff
no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '
bigJake
Well-Known Member
A Male Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard any bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard any bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need, but he knew the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked. "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Murphy.
So, the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had two rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two left over."
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I
"Murphy," he asked. "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Murphy.
So, the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had two rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two left over."
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I
You are getting older when.....
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." Jerry Seinfeld
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." Jerry Seinfeld
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
crisso
New Member
A Texan ranch owner was sitting on a plane beside an Aussie 'station'(big ranch) owner.
Old Tex says,"You Aussies think your stations are big?My ranch in Texas takes 4 days to ride the boundaries on horseback."
The Aussie looks at him and says,"Yeh.I had a lazy bastard horse like that.So I shot it''.
Old Tex says,"You Aussies think your stations are big?My ranch in Texas takes 4 days to ride the boundaries on horseback."
The Aussie looks at him and says,"Yeh.I had a lazy bastard horse like that.So I shot it''.
