Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[Seadoobuddy]

Fluffy?

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

 

[Seadoobuddy]

One day, a guy was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How did you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

 

[griz400]

A man is forced to seek a doctor's advice because his breath smells terrible.

The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids!"

 

[griz400]

SKINNY DIPPIN'
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmers decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Good one griz - I've heard it before but still is funny.

I was meeting a friend in a hotel bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him, "That girl over there just rated me a nine out of ten."

"I don't want to ruin it for you, but when I walked in, they were speaking German.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

My job is in the Aerospace industry and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain link?"

 

[griz400]

Two guys from Daniels County are quietly sitting in a fishing boat sucking down beer when suddenly Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

 

[scooper77515]

Awesome! Even my wife thought that one was funny!

 

[scooper77515]

Top 10 Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women (With Top 10 Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men)

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22 AND nobody gets hurt.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road AND nobody gets hurt.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman is...

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

On the other hand:

10 Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns Over Men

10. You can easily trade that snubby in for something with a longer barrel.

9. You can keep a gun clean with a little Hoppe's and some elbow grease.

8. A gun never complains about the fit of its holster.

7. A gun doesn't need to watch a bad Western on video before you take it to the range.

6. Too many rounds and shots over the years don't cause the trigger guard to grow and sag.

5. You can carry a gun in your pants all day without it becoming a pest.

4. A gun doesn't complain if you want to spend more than 15 minutes at the range.

3. Emission of noxious gases is always under your control.

2. A gun doesn't call you a tease after you do a bit of dry fire.

1. A gun doesn't need to take a nap after each shot.

 

[griz400]

A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

 

[scooper77515]

Eeeewwwww!

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Poker Game

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"?

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.

They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet"? he asked. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."

So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

 

[Sink]

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?".

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

"What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Lenny must have gone away over the Christmas Holiday & Granny was on the roof and while waiting for Santa she "got ran over by a reindeer"

 

[Seadoobuddy]

For a Dime...

As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime." So some kid would come up, plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, "Refill it."

I'd say, "That'll be another dime."

"How come? Your sign says -- All you can drink for a dime!"

"Well, you had a glass didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"That's all you can drink for a dime."

 

[griz400]

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

 

[Sink]

That right there was FUNNY!!!:lol:

 

[Seadoobuddy]

A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage."Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said: “That's once.” We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said: “That's twice.” We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said: "That's once." ....

 

[griz400]

Salmon fisherman
One time there was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing and his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island. When the Coastguard found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers. he went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you." the fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve. Eventually he calmed down. The man arresting asked him, "Out of curiosity, What did it taste like?" the fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle."

 

[Sink]

I think it has more of a Whooping Crane taste myself.. :-o

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Actually condors have a lot of dark meat but not as gamy as say a polar bear but less fatty than a Sand Crane.

 

[griz400]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician could do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was after all, the Captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where is the boat ?"

 

[bigJake]

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his Girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next Thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

[crisso]

:lol::lols:HAHAHAA

 

[griz400]

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."