Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[griz400]

Big John, the ripper took his car to the garage.

"A want a seven hundred and ten."

Everyone was dumbfounded, "What's a seven hundred and ten?"

"You know, that little plastic piece in the middle of the engine, mine got lost and I need a new one."

John said, "Look, I'll draw you a picture."

He drew a circle and wrote 710 in the middle of it.

Flummoxed the staff looked at the piece of paper. 710.

The manager was called in and was as confused as everyone else until he rotated to piece of paper.

"Look" he said; and it was clear to them all.



John wanted an oil cap

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Part of that OIL (710) joke was posted in another thread a couple days ago.

I heard it with a blonde going to the gas station service bay......but still funny....

 

[griz400]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked
over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play
since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to
do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and
asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"

**************** bonus joke also ******* what do u call 48 men sittin and watchin superbowl on tv ???????? the detroit lions

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Yup, I've heard them all but actually it's 53 players now.
You must also include the Tampa Bay pennies....errrr I mean bucs.
Along with 28 other teams...including the Steelers this year.

 

[bigJake]

Yup, I've heard them all but actually it's 53 players now.
You must also include the Tampa Bay pennies....errrr I mean bucs.
Along with 28 other teams...including the Steelers this year.

Denver was lined up in an illegal formation on the final play of the game and the TD should not have counted

 

[Seadoobuddy]

I didn't hear anything about the illegal formation.
What was illegal about it?

 

[bigJake]

I didn't hear anything about the illegal formation.
What was illegal about it?

they did not have 7 men on the line of scrimmage

the league is saying it was legal, but obviously just dont want to tarnish the Tebow cinderella story. But look at the picture and see for yourself.

http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_19706529

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Newlywed Kitchen Diary

Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!

Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for one more year!

Signed,

Abby

 

[Seadoobuddy]

New Pistol
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of members of the United States Senate and the House of Representatives.

It will be named the “Congressman”.

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

 

[scooper77515]

An elderly couple were taking a walk one afternoon when a seagull flew over and took a crap, splattering it on the old lady's head.

"Yech!" See said, "get some toilet tissue."

The old man replied "what for, he is probably a half mile away by now."

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Good one scoop...how is the underground hunting going?

A Prayer...

Willy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.

After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Willy, "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

 

[scooper77515]

how is the underground hunting going?

Just finding junk. And coins. I probably have found $7-8 toward the $99 price of the machine at this point.

Found a 9mm slug in a playground in a bad part of town...scary.

 

[scooper77515]

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m.,
a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

 

[scooper77515]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,"he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

[scooper77515]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me $h!*!!!"

 

[bigJake]

A Catholic priest , a doctor, a rich businessman, and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian Guy from New York fumed, "What's with those frickin' jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!"

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls !'

The Italian guy from New York said, 'Why can't they fricken play at night?

​

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Good one jake...

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library. The librarian quips after checking the books.

"Sir, your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

 

[Seadoobuddy]

A Good Plan

A retired couple were discussing aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" the husband asked his bride.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then she asked him, "What will you do if I die first?"


He replied,"Probably the same thing."

 

[bigJake]

Heard a great joke last night:

"Barrack Obama"

 

[brp tech]

A lady has two female parrots all they say all day is "we are hookers and we we wanna hump" so the lady tells here priest. The priest says I happen to have two male parrots and they know how to pray, perhaps we can put them together and the will straighten out your birds. so they do. the females proceed to yell "we are hookers we wanna hump" and the male birds responded... "YEA OUR PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED THE HOOKERS ARE HERE"

 

[bigJake]

The Afghan Quarterback


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

 

[bigJake]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently..

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Personal Injury

I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?"

"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."

 

[griz400]

A father and his young son were in the forest hunting deer. After hunting for a while they finally came across some deer tracks in the snow. Among the tracks there were these little round brown droppings and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?" The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste awful." The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."