Maybe the first one was allergic to aspirin....Tylenol has none in it.
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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
Good advice for NYE Too!!!!
A golf club walks into a bar. "I'll have a beer, please."
"I'm sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?"
"You'll be driving later."
A golf club walks into a bar. "I'll have a beer, please."
"I'm sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?"
"You'll be driving later."
Did you ever realize a women's “I'll be ready in 5 minutes” and a man's “I'll be home in 5 minutes” are exactly the same.
The first ever Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed,' Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch'!!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed,' Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch'!!
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator:
cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.
In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then,
a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.
In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then,
a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy ****! A talking pig!'"
From 5th grade, so you have all probably heard this one...
A farmer was walking down the road and came to a market. He asked the market keeper if he had any chickens for sale. The keeper said "chickens?, oh, you mean pullets. Yes, I have one right here for sale" and sells the farmer the chicken.
The farmer then asks if he has any rabbits for sale. "Rabbits? Oh, you mean peters, yes, I do have one for sale" and sells the farmer a rabbit.
The farmer than asks if he can purchase a donkey. "A donkey? Oh, you mean an ass. Of course I have one for sale, but there is one problem. It is a lazy ass, and will only work or walk for 10 minutes, before he rolls over on his back. You then have to scratch him behind the ear to get him back up and back to work."
So the farmer takes the donkey, rabbit, and chicken, and proceeds to walk back toward his farm.
About half way there, the donkey falls over, and rolls over onto his back. The farmer knows he needs to scratch him behind the ear, but he cannot put down his chicken and rabbit or they will run away. After a few minutes, a young city girl drives by and stops to help the farmer. The farmer asks her "will you hold my peter and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
A farmer was walking down the road and came to a market. He asked the market keeper if he had any chickens for sale. The keeper said "chickens?, oh, you mean pullets. Yes, I have one right here for sale" and sells the farmer the chicken.
The farmer then asks if he has any rabbits for sale. "Rabbits? Oh, you mean peters, yes, I do have one for sale" and sells the farmer a rabbit.
The farmer than asks if he can purchase a donkey. "A donkey? Oh, you mean an ass. Of course I have one for sale, but there is one problem. It is a lazy ass, and will only work or walk for 10 minutes, before he rolls over on his back. You then have to scratch him behind the ear to get him back up and back to work."
So the farmer takes the donkey, rabbit, and chicken, and proceeds to walk back toward his farm.
About half way there, the donkey falls over, and rolls over onto his back. The farmer knows he needs to scratch him behind the ear, but he cannot put down his chicken and rabbit or they will run away. After a few minutes, a young city girl drives by and stops to help the farmer. The farmer asks her "will you hold my peter and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
bigJake
Well-Known Member
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said no; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
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A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies, "That'd be very useful."2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothing‘. "The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure.""When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said no; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
-----------------------------------------------------------
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies, "That'd be very useful."2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothing‘. "The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure.""When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they ! are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......" Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they ! are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......" Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
bigJake
Well-Known Member
good one Griz.
Frank Feldman
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything
right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his former (edited out a bad word) wife
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything
right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his former (edited out a bad word) wife
A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks her Husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks.
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?"
He replies, "Just hold his little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, Died at the scene.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks.
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?"
He replies, "Just hold his little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, Died at the scene.
HAH!!! :lol: :thumbsup:
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"?
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"?
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
... A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
scottozy
New Member
If you had a donkey and I had a rooster, and your donkey bit off one of my rooster's feet --- this would mean you would have a foot of my cock in you ass! Lol
For anyone that doesn't get it. Another name for a rooster is a cock, and another name for a donkey is an ass!
For anyone that doesn't get it. Another name for a rooster is a cock, and another name for a donkey is an ass!
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Blonde Boat Trouble
One spring morning, a blonde was excited to try out her new boat.
She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek professional help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
The workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems.
Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer
One spring morning, a blonde was excited to try out her new boat.
She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek professional help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
The workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems.
Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer
Dumb marina mechanic. He should have seem the straps attached to boat when he inspected it topside.
I know, I know It's a joke and a funny one at that.
I know, I know It's a joke and a funny one at that.
That is not a joke. It has happened several times in the recent past.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvAHYR5DnZE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvAHYR5DnZE
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
bigJake
Well-Known Member
hmm, never thought about it but wonder why them there steelhead don't rust?
At the dinner table with a large number of guests, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I don't know what to say."
"Just say what you hear Mommy say."
The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
"I don't know what to say."
"Just say what you hear Mommy say."
The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
