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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
A couple more years they will be down to nothing............Is that a bad thing????.........I don't think so! ! ! ! ! ! !
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "Comprehensive Guide for Mothers."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered, "No."
"Then why are you checking it out"?
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started collecting moths last month!"
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered, "No."
"Then why are you checking it out"?
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started collecting moths last month!"
crisso
New Member
Old George looks over his fence and sees little 8 year old Lora from next door,kneedeep in a big hole she is digging.
"Hello Lora luv"he says,"watcha doing"
"My special goldfish Freddy died and I'am digging a hole to bury him"she says.
"oh well luv,these things do happen.Any way.Why are you digging such a big hole.It was only just a goldfish"says Old George.
Little Lora says "Because it's inside your EFFING CAT"
"Hello Lora luv"he says,"watcha doing"
"My special goldfish Freddy died and I'am digging a hole to bury him"she says.
"oh well luv,these things do happen.Any way.Why are you digging such a big hole.It was only just a goldfish"says Old George.
Little Lora says "Because it's inside your EFFING CAT"
Sink
New Member
I'll never hear or see this word again without thinking of this:
I was at my bank today. There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Flucyouwhitepeople, too!"
I was at my bank today. There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Flucyouwhitepeople, too!"
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He Tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he coul d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
Similar to joke #408, I heard it originally with a Halloween twist.
A little boy with a bad speech impediment is dressed up as a pirate for Halloween, and goes to the first door. A lady answers the door and says, "awww, how cute! What are you?"
He says "I'm a birate".
She gives him candy.
Second house, same thing..."How cute! What are you?"
Getting a bit frustrated..."A birate!"
Get's his candy and on to the third house.
The third lady says "Awww, how cute. What are you?"
"A BIRATE!"
The lady says "Well then, where are your buccaneers?"
The boy replies "Right here on my buckinhead, lady, why don't you use your buckineyes!"
A little boy with a bad speech impediment is dressed up as a pirate for Halloween, and goes to the first door. A lady answers the door and says, "awww, how cute! What are you?"
He says "I'm a birate".
She gives him candy.
Second house, same thing..."How cute! What are you?"
Getting a bit frustrated..."A birate!"
Get's his candy and on to the third house.
The third lady says "Awww, how cute. What are you?"
"A BIRATE!"
The lady says "Well then, where are your buccaneers?"
The boy replies "Right here on my buckinhead, lady, why don't you use your buckineyes!"
In time for Halloween.....
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seat in a posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he wispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly the asked, "All right what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
.... the balcony ....
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly the asked, "All right what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
.... the balcony ....
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.
The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.
After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and decends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
One day a young man enters the store.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.
The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.
After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and decends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.
One night, I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another and after six games, we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you"? I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you"?
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
One night, I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another and after six games, we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you"? I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you"?
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
My niece was working at her airline ticket counter, she pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," she said to him. "What is your first name"?
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," she said to him. "What is your first name"?
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, because she has a grenade in her mouth!!!
Run like hell, because she has a grenade in her mouth!!!
2 truckers, Jim and Joe pull up to red light in town and Jim looks out and see a dog sittin on the sidewalk lickin his nuts, Jim says to Joe, look at that dog lickin his nuts, dont u wish u could do that ????? Joe says, yeah, but the dog would probably bite me .........:lol:
BMANN06
Well-Known Member
hahah .. yup I've actually been this guy before!!
Funny, but you might want to tone down the language so it is family-friendly.
I don't mean to stop submitting jokes, just be sure the language is appropriate for jr high aged kids. This is a family-oriented website.
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party." :cheers: :cheers:
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party." :cheers: :cheers:
