Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[scooper77515]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME,.RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in .........a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

 

[bigJake]

Great one Scooper!!!

 

[brock1]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......................................>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????i dont get it :conehead:

 

[bigJake]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......................................>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????i dont get it :conehead:

you are so slow brock. He had a buddy with him that rang the doorbell then hid in the bushes.

 

[Sink]

Some day if we meet up, I'll show you Brock. :thumbsup:

 

[bigJake]

Some day if we meet up, I'll show you Brock. :thumbsup:

Brock, I would avoid that encounter at all costs!

 

[brock1]

Show me wat guys?????????? how to ring the door bell and hide in the bushes????????hahaha OK SOUNDS LIKE FUN WHO RINGS FIRST??????????? can we lite up some POOP TOO?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Seadoobuddy]

brock - he rang the bell with what looks like the conehead in your previous post #379.

 

[brock1]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh so he was a :conehead: jeeeeezzzzzzz cant we just cum out and say things instead of gettin me all flustered ..... gosh i loved that movie ya know the :conehead: movie....i think ill go watch it ...im glad i have you guys to do some splainin here

 

[crisso]

HEY SCOOPER!!!!!
Congrats.10 000 views on this thread
May I have your autograph please sir.

 

[scooper77515]

Sure thing! Just send a self addressed stamped envelope, with whatever you wish me to autograph on, and include a nice crisp $50 bill, and my autograph is YOURS!!!:reddevil:

 

[Seadoobuddy]

My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with their new cell phone.

Although they are on a nationwide plan, they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with some surprise "roaming charges."

Even though they've been back for awhile, those charges didn't appear on their statement for several months.

I had to explain to them that such things take time to work through the system. Specifically, I told them, "Roamin' wasn't billed in a day."

 

[bigJake]

My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with their new cell phone.

Although they are on a nationwide plan, they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with some surprise "roaming charges."

Even though they've been back for awhile, those charges didn't appear on their statement for several months.

I had to explain to them that such things take time to work through the system. Specifically, I told them, "Roamin' wasn't billed in a day."

hmm, i was sure you were a test tube baby. adoptive parents?

 

[Sink]

My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with their new cell phone.

Although they are on a nationwide plan, they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with some surprise "roaming charges."

Even though they've been back for awhile, those charges didn't appear on their statement for several months.

I had to explain to them that such things take time to work through the system. Specifically, I told them, "Roamin' wasn't billed in a day."

Having previously worked for a very large cell phone company, THAT was funny right there!!!! We got so many calls like that!

 

[Seadoobuddy]

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day, a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go out the door," I told them, "past the pool, 200 yards down the block and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

(my apologies to our English members)

 

[Sink]

A SMART PROFESSOR!

At Michigan State University there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident in their grades that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some outside friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to East Lansing until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final as scheduled, they decided that after the final was given they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they had visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. . . The guys were excited and relieved. . .

They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. . . then they turned the page.On the second page was written. . .

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

 

[Seadoobuddy]

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly, she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

 

[Sink]

My son got his braces off yesterday so I took him to Red Lobster for lunch to celebrate. The waiter walked over and asked if we were there for anything special. I told him my son lost his virginity! They guy about fell on the floor laughing! All the while we were eating, the male waiters kept walking by and you could tell they wanted to high five my son!!!! Too funny! My son laughed as hard as I did about it! Life is short. Have fun!

 

[bigJake]

You guys realize this is a thread for jokes right? Just to clear it up for you - a joke is a FUNNY story.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

I thought Sink's story was funny even it it wasn't a joke per-tell.
Joke on the waiter perhaps..........

 

[Sink]

You guys realize this is a thread for jokes right? Just to clear it up for you - a joke is a FUNNY story.

That's why the stupid ask Jake and Lou thread isn't part of this one!

 

[bigJake]

yes SINK'S stories were pretty good.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence; one from Chicago, another from Dallas, and the third from Fort Lauderdale. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Fort Lauderdale contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then gets out his calculator, punches in some numbers and says, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Dallas contractor steps up, takes some measurements, does some figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure"?

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Dallas."

 

[scooper77515]

 

[scooper77515]