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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was an adult film" cries the son.

Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what adult films were!" Robot then slaps the dad!

Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom.
 
Let'sset the record straight.
Thongs go on your feet.Kiwis(New Zealanders,pronounced,New Zuland)call them Jandels or flip-flops.
The underwear bit.You call them a thong.We call them a G-String or G-Banger.If you see one from behind.It's a whale tail.
Either way.they look good if they are assigned to correct arse.
 
crisso said:
Let'sset the record straight.
Thongs go on your feet.Kiwis(New Zealanders,pronounced,New Zuland)call them Jandels or flip-flops.
The underwear bit.You call them a thong.We call them a G-String or G-Banger.If you see one from behind.It's a whale tail.
Either way.they look good if they are assigned to correct arse.
Click to expand...

THEM would be plural, right? So what would you need 2 for on your ass??? Thongs go on your feet. Panties go in the crack. People are so confused these days. Ask Pa!
 
Just saying... now could thongs have been worn on your feet when I was a kid and now they are called A thong and worn on Jake's ass.. I mean Sis's ass.... ??? How times change!
 
I saw a BIG woman the other day and she was wearing track pants.She was walking in front of me.I swear blind,it looked like there was 2 baby hippo's in there,having a wrestle.
 
Wal-Mart sells everything.So I have heard.
One of their employees gets dragged into the bosses office for lack of sales.The boss says to the guy"you only made one sale last month for 175 dollars.Is there a reason we shouldn't fire you.'Hey boss.It wasn't 175,it was 175000.'What.how the hell did that happen.
Well the guy was gunna buy some fishing bait.
I said what sorta hooks are you using.I sold him some more hooks
Are you gunna have a beer while you fish?I sold him some beer and ice.
Are you going to fish under the bridge.I said that was no way to catch fish.So I sold him a boat to go fishing in.
How are you going to get your new boat into the water.So I sold him a new F350 to tow the boat.
The boss says"What.And all this because he was going to buy some bait"
Young bloke say's "Shit no boss.He came here to buy some tampons for his wife.I said well mate,You weekend is f..cked.You may as well go fishing."
 
A Bear walks into a Bar in Billings Montana, slams his paw on the Bar and says "Gimme a Beer".
The Bartender turns around and says "WE dont serve beer to bears in bars in billings"
The bear gets angery slams his paw on the bar and says "give me a beer".
The bartender replies "We dont serve Beer to beligerant bears in bars in billings".
The bear sees a drunk lady sitting at the end of the bar, slams his paw on the bar and says "If you dont give me a beer Im gonna run to the end of this bar and eat that lady over there".
To which the bartender replies "We dont serve beer to beligerant bully bears in billings"
So the bear runs to the end of the bar, quickly devours the lady sitting at the end of the bar, runs back to his barstool, slams his paw on the bar and says "Now give me a beer or Im gonna eat you".
To which the bartender replies "We dont serve beer to beligerant bully bears in billings that are on drugs".
The bear throws his paws in the air and says "Im not on drugs", the bartender says "Yes you are....That was a Bar Bitch you ate".
 
scooper77515 said:
A Bear walks into a Bar in Billings Montana, slams his paw on the Bar and says "Gimme a Beer".
The Bartender turns around and says "WE dont serve beer to bears in bars in billings"
The bear gets angery slams his paw on the bar and says "give me a beer".
The bartender replies "We dont serve Beer to beligerant bears in bars in billings".
The bear sees a drunk lady sitting at the end of the bar, slams his paw on the bar and says "If you dont give me a beer Im gonna run to the end of this bar and eat that lady over there".
To which the bartender replies "We dont serve beer to beligerant bully bears in billings"
So the bear runs to the end of the bar, quickly devours the lady sitting at the end of the bar, runs back to his barstool, slams his paw on the bar and says "Now give me a beer or Im gonna eat you".
To which the bartender replies "We dont serve beer to beligerant bully bears in billings that are on drugs".
The bear throws his paws in the air and says "Im not on drugs", the bartender says "Yes you are....That was a Bar Bitch you ate".
Click to expand...

the bear ate the bar bitch? bears got really big tongues, I bet she really enjoyed that.
 
Ah, the old bartender and Bousterous bully Beer bear in Billings Barbitchyouate joke. One of my favorites! Great to tell really fast when you are partying with a bunch of people but takes some practice.
 
Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replied.

"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nodded.

"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"

She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
 
Two women friends had gone for a girls’ night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi Breezer's.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls’ nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
 
BLONDE JOKE # ONE MILLION

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.


The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
 
Mexican words for the day:

July
Ju tol me ju were going to the store but ju went to see sum guy! July to me! Julyer!

Texas
When I'm not home my fren always texas me. He wonders where I am!

Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left but don't worry, wheelchair.

Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece, en che got herpes.

Cheese
Teacher told Pepito to use cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies, Maria likes me but cheese ugly!

Mushroom
When all my family get in the car there's not mushroom.

Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

(These are meant as humor, not racism. Please dont take them the wrong way)
 
The difference between "complete" and "Finished"

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
but, there is an explanation published in Women's Home Journal.

When you marry the right Woman, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
 
Ask your wife after the next time you have sex and she'll explain the difference between complete and finished.

Complete includes beer and popcorn which is free at "Ask Jake and Lou"
 
A Hunter's Logic

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. "Where's Harry?" asked his friend. "He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.

"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," he explained, "but I figured no one is going to steal Harry."
 
That would be called completely SATISFIED in her case!!!

Seadoobuddy said:
The difference between "complete" and "Finished"

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
but, there is an explanation published in Women's Home Journal.

When you marry the right Woman, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
Click to expand...
 
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.

When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins... "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
 
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.

In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."
 
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