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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
 
Controlling Your Anger

A husband asks his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger"?

"I clean the toilet bowl."

"How does that help"?

"I use your toothbrush."
 
Today's Joke

Blind Date

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age!"

(Maybe it's SIS of Jake and Lou)
 
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him.

He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.

His mother agrees to the game. That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
 
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"

And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

And my Mom said, "He does."
 
A blind guy at a bar shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "before you tell that joke, you should know, our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy next to me is 6' 2", 225 lb. rugby player. fella to your right is 6' 5", 300 lb wrestler. Each one of us IS blonde. Think about it. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
Man goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled, but he told the dentist I am scared of needles, so please no shots.

Dr. says ok, we can give you gas and make you very sleepy. Guy says oh no I cant do that, I have a bad heart and am afraid I won't wake up, is there anything else we can do.

Doctor goes and gets two little blue pills and gives to him.

Guy said what was that doc?

It was Viagra.

Why did you give me that?

Dentist said this is going to hurt like heck and you are going to need something to hold on to.
 
The Energizer Bunny was arrested yesterday... He was CHARGED with.... BATTERY..... (hanging head in shame and going to my room....)
 
I thought that joke went something like this:

Police arrested a "pepper shaker" after finding a salt shaker and the energizer bunny dead in his house.

He was charged with assault and battery
 
Different joke but funny!

Jake and Lou come into work on Monday with black eyes. Jake says to Lou, what happened to you?
My wife hit me says Lou.
Jake asks, what happened?
Lou says, Well, my wife and I stopped at the airport to get some tickets from a very well endowed young lady.... what I meant to say was give me 2 tickets to Pittsburg...
Jake asks, What did you say?
Lou says, Give me 2 pickets to TITSburg and she hit me!
Jake says, that's about what happened to me too!
Lou asks, what happened?
Jake says, we were sitting at the table... and what I meant to say was please pass the salt and pepper!
Lou saks, what did you say?
Jake says, YOU BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER!!!!
 
Different joke but funny!

Jake and Lou come into work on Monday with black eyes. Jake says to Lou, what happened to you?
My wife hit me says Lou.
Jake asks, what happened?
Lou says, Well, my wife and I stopped at the airport to get some tickets from a very well endowed young lady.... what I meant to say was give me 2 tickets to Pittsburg...
Jake asks, What did you say?
Lou says, Give me 2 pickets to TITSburg and she hit me!
Jake says, that's about what happened to me too!
Lou asks, what happened?
Jake says, we were sitting at the table... and what I meant to say was please pass the salt and pepper!
Lou saks, what did you say?
Jake says, YOU BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER!!!!

i thought it looked like someone had been reading my diary
 
Jake, I think we've been found out.

Lou

Gee Lou, I sure hope Sink don't read that page in my diary about the day we were tryin on Ma's underbritches and tells everybody about that. That would be really embarrasing if everybody found out about that huh!
 
Yea that would really be embarrassing, cause we were just skinny little kids, and the thong underwear didn't fit very well. As I remember Sis had trouble getting into them. And you had them on backwards. Do you still have the pictures?

Lou
 
you guys are a HOOT, but sure is tough to tell if you are telling real family secrets or trying to pull sis's panties over our eyes.
 
Lou and Jake, You guys are definitely a HOOT!!!

Glad to have a couple of guys on here with a GREAT sense of humor.:thumbsup:

Seriously, though...did you choose those names because of Jake and Lou, or was that just coincidence?
 
Yea that would really be embarrassing, cause we were just skinny little kids, and the thong underwear didn't fit very well. As I remember Sis had trouble getting into them. And you had them on backwards. Do you still have the pictures?

Lou

Lou, I still got the pictures AND the thong. Scooper, It's easy when ya don't even have to make anything up. Damn, Lou looked so good in that thong I was afraid I was going to turn gay right on the spot, then Sis showed me her boobies and I was ok again. Not that there's anything wrong with that....
 
Yea that would really be embarrassing, cause we were just skinny little kids, and the thong underwear didn't fit very well. As I remember Sis had trouble getting into them. And you had them on backwards. Do you still have the pictures?

Lou

THIS THREAD IS WORTHLESS WITHOUT PICTURES!!!!!!!!!

Your secret is safe with me, guys. I would NEVER tell everybody about you guys and your life decisions. PROMISE!!!!
 
Lou, I still got the pictures AND the thong. Scooper, It's easy when ya don't even have to make anything up. Damn, Lou looked so good in that thong I was afraid I was going to turn gay right on the spot, then Sis showed me her boobies and I was ok again. Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Um.... Guys. The thongs go on your FEET! Those are PANTIES that you were modeling! And don't forget to post those pictures of Ma too!!!!

Drooling in anticipation,
Sink
 
THIS THREAD IS WORTHLESS WITHOUT PICTURES!!!!!!!!!

Your secret is safe with me, guys. I would NEVER tell everybody about you guys and your life decisions. PROMISE!!!!

Thanks Sink, sure wouldn't want that to get out!!! BTW, I still got those pictures of you "Helping that sheep over the fence" did you want me to send those to you or put them on YouTube?
 
Thanks Sink, sure wouldn't want that to get out!!! BTW, I still got those pictures of you "Helping that sheep over the fence" did you want me to send those to you or put them on YouTube?

Hey! I have NO IDEA what you are talkin about.... She was a very pretty sheep! SWEAR TO GOD, MAN! :redface:

Please SEND the pictures... Youtube would BAN them!:ban:

Clueless in Nebraska,
Sink
 
O.K. since y'all asked here's a picture of Sis in the thong, or maybe it was Jake.
 

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