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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

Leather Dresses!!!!!!!

Did You Know This
About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that
when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's
heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he
gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think
irrationally???
Ever wonder
why?





It's because she smells like a new Truck......
 
Has a bad word, so delete if it steps out-of-bounds. Funny anyway!

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"$H!T!" yelled the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.
 
One foggy night, a Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Tuscaloosa. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Tennessee fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Alabama fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Tennessee fan walks over to the Alabama fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Alabama fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Tennessee fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Alabama fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Alabama fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Alabama fan hands it back to the Tennessee fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Tennessee fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."
 
A man was out golfing one day when he hit the ball into the woods. He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to him, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The man freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your wife will get times ten!"

The man said, "That's okay." For his first wish, he wanted to be the most handsome man in the world.

The frog warned him, "You do realize that this wish will also make your wife the most beautiful woman in the world, an Aphrodite whom men will flock to."

The man replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most handsome man and she will have eyes only for me."

So he becomes the most handsome man in the world!

For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your wife the richest woman in the world and she will be ten times richer than you."

The man said,"That's okay, because what's mine is hers and what's hers is mine."

So, he becomes the richest man in the world!

The frog then inquired about his third wish, and he answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
 
The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food and water
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Full gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

Chester
 
Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar and just about as drunk as its possible to ever get? He falls off the stool and just lays there on the bar room floor.

A group of guys notice his condition and they decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives .....but he's so drunk that he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to their car, each time with a real thud.

After they finally get him to his house, he falls down another four times just getting him to the door!!

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home...."

The wife asks, "....Where's his wheelchair?"
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!

Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"

The wife stared at him. "What the $&#@! is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
 
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....'
 
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are,
if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that..
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,
but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Mark, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mark and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Mark snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a John's turn. In the morning, same thing- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Mark shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mark into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Mark sat up and watched me all night.
 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
 
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."
 
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"

Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers
 
I just got off the phone with a neighbor in the mountains of Colorado.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
 
Boudreaux was paddling his pero (boat) down on the bayou and he passed by hibodaux's camp.

Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

Boudreaux say, "Crabgrass- Me gonna go catch me some crabs, me."

Thibodaux laughs and say, "You fool, you can't catch crabs with crabgrass."

An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of crabs and show them to Thibodaux.

The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux's camp again.

Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

Boudreaux say, "Duck-tape- Me gonna go catch me some ducks, me."

Thibodaux laughs and say, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duck-tape."

An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of ducks and show them to Thibodaux.

The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux's camp again.
Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

Boudreaux say, "Pussiwillow."

Thibodaux say, "Wait a minute, I'm going with you. "
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said >> " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
 
The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's noo-noos.
 
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?

You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."

"It was my first day with the hook."
 
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."


The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
 
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