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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

The following terms have been updated to fit today's times:

CEO: chief embezzlement officer

CFO: corporate fraud officer

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself
for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife
gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex

VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing

BROKER: What my investment advisor has made me

STANDARD & POOR: Your life, in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

YAHOO: What you yell after selling your stock to some poor sucker for $240
per share

WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo
at $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse

PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use
 
I am 65 years old & love to fish.

I was sitting on a dock the other day,
when I heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

I looked around & couldn't see anyone.

I thought I was dreaming when
I heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

I looked in the water & there,
floating on the top, was a frog.

I said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me &
I'll turn into the most beautiful woman
you have ever seen.'

'I'll make sure that all your friends
are envious & jealous because I will be your mistress.'

I looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully,
& placed it in my front pocket.

The frog said to me, 'What, are you nuts?
Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me & I will be your beautiful mistress.'

At that moment I opened my pocket, looked at the frog & said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom!!!
 
Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that?! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So, he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So, that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with."
 
3 ladies in a plane,red head,a blonde,and a black lady,pilot comes on the intercom n says"u might wanna prepare urselves,we're havin technical dificulties n we're gonna crash"! so the blonde lady puts on a bunch of makup,the others ask why.she says"cuz after we crash i'll look beautiful n i'll get rescued first"!then the redhead rips off her shirt,the others ask why n she says"cuz after we crash they'll see my boobs n rescue me first"!so the black lady takes all her clothes off n lays down spread eagle in the aisle,the others are like,oh dang,n ask her why,n she says"cuz after we crash the first thing they'll look for is the black box:!
 
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... .... .

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.
 
Some quickie jokes:

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

A: You call them up and tell them you can't come.

__________



I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder so I joined a
support group. We never meet.

__________

When he retired Sir Lancelot took the bag of gold that King Arthur
gave him and invested it in a women's sleepware company. Thereafter
he was known as the Nightie Knightie.

__________

We were driving in my friend Larry's new car. I asked him about
its features. He listed the usual, then added, "It tells me to
slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have
to stop. It points out solid no-passing lines."
I expressed my amazement.
"But," he explained, "these features work only when my wife is in the car."

___________

Bob wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried.
"I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually.

____________

1. Penn State is the only University where you can major in minors!

2. You may hate Jerry Sandusky, but at least he drove slowly through school zones.

3. His defensive football philosophy at Penn State was to "always cover the Tight End."

4. He had to stop going to church. The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession.

_________

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read 'I miss Detroit'.
Lots of folks have left the east side of the state for economic reasons
and have relocated here in beautiful West Michigan, which offers a
lower unemployment rate. Wanting them to feel at home,
I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read,
'I hope this helps'……

_________

If I died and went straight to Hell, it would take me months before I realized

you were not here anymore.
 
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana.'


'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'



She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.



That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.


'What book did you read?'




Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

"Winnie the SHIT"
 
Little Johnny's mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," he replied.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well," replied little Johnny, "There's only so much I can blame on the dog."
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you
just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a
few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins.
 
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the almost unnoticed death last week of a very
important person. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at home. He was 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started....
 
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
 
A wife comes home early from work one day, and when she walks in the front door, she finds her husband on the floor, in a very compromising position with a very attractive young woman.

The wife screams, "You are a disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"

The husband pleads, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Go ahead," the wife sobs, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

So the husband begins "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home from the market, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

"So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

"Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years that I bought you, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present from me, which you don't wear because you said I don't have good taste.

"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

"I asked her if she had a place to stay and she said she is living on the streets until she can get a job so to make sure she can protect herself while living on the streets I gave her the handgun and ammunition that I bought for you last year that you said you would never touch because you don't believe in guns."

The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Do you have anything else you can give me that your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
 
good ones scooper.....

A Bet

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a girl at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 o'clock news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The girl looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump"?

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The girl replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the girl placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The girl was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The girl replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.
 
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him........"
 
Was in Starbucks the other day, enjoying a coffee when I had a severe
GAS attack, with the need to address it urgently.
I noticed that there was some music playing with loud passages at times.
I co-ordinated gas release rather violently with some of these passages
and eventually felt better.
I finished my coffee and got up to leave, and noticed that everyone was
staring at me.

I THEN REALIZED I HAD BEEN LISTENING TO MY IPOD!!!
 
Came across this on the internet today...might have to zoom in a bit. It came out smaller than I hoped.
 

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Funeral Service
An Irishman was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were at least 60-65 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss. This may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've lived in County Cork all my life and I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
 
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important.
 
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