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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to
gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a
quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could
just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the
front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers,
his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in
time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out
there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had
refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman
thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of
charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how
much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get
Out of my cab, you scum."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of
each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
 
A Texan Farmer On Vacation
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
 
There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the crap out of me, nobody ever let me in before."
 
The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly...After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word..

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replied.

"I'm with the IRS".
 
A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign reads:

"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?
 
The Best Comeback Ever

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene"?

A: "No, sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description"?

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers"?

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties"?

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room"?

A: "Yes, sir. I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker"?

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers"?

A: "You see, sir. We share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line and he'll probably win!
 
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to
him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-
duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We
love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up
another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto.
'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian
Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

"Air Canada."
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Now every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence,
I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"


"Not everybody pays."
 
I'll throw in...

The CIA is interviewing three candidates on their short list. The three were asked to bring their wives. The first guy goes in and one of the CIA agents says “to determine how dedicated you’ll be to the Agency, I want you to pick up this gun and go out to the waiting room and shoot your wife. “
The guy immediately tells them he cannot do that, he loves his wife too much. He’s excused.
The second guy is brought in and given the same orders. He thinks long and hard because he doesn’t really love his wife all that much, but she is the mother to his children. So he’s asked to leave.
The third guy comes in and gets the same orders. He looks at the gun and thinks for a minute. He picks it up and goes out to the waiting room. The agents hear six gunshots, followed by a few minutes of furniture crashing and lamps breaking. The guy comes back into the room where the ashen faced CIA agents ask what happened. “Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her with a lamp cord.”
 
Reading these jokes reminds me of others...

An elderly woman goes to see the doctor. The nurse shows her into the room and she waits for a few minutes before the doc comes in. She tells the doc that she has terrible gas, but luckily when she passes, there is no smell and no sound. “In fact,” she says, “I’ve been passing gas the whole time we’ve been talking.” The doctor nods knowingly and hands her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.
The next week, she sees the doc and says “I don’t know what you gave me, but now when I pass gas, it smells horrible.” The doc says, “okay, now that we’ve fixed your sense of smell, let’s work on your hearing.”
 
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his
mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen.
She dress's quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were
you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad
has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get
on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door
comes over and gets on her knees and blows it
right back up."
 
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back.
 
Funnies to share with your kids......

What did Tennessee?
What Arkansas!

What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey!

What did Idaho?
I don't know, Alaska.
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would
transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set
the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed,
the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a
notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the
husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was
doing.
At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was
obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the
pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they
got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.
 
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship,
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
 
Afternoon Delight

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How
do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian
war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great
Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival,you will be
executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant
you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later
that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning
the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is
brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears
over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's
surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous
brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill
you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger
responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and
says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING
POSSE!.
 
House Call

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"

The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that?" grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"
 
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