Not only that.....but the juicy stuff toooooooooo 
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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
Yep, can't hide my personal stuff on the damned internet. How did that video of me and my ex-girlfriend get up there.
I hope mrs. scooper doesn't find THAT!!!:drool5:
I hope mrs. scooper doesn't find THAT!!!:drool5:
Fishing Mirror
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for"?
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work"?
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week"?
"You're the sixth," he said.
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for"?
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work"?
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week"?
"You're the sixth," he said.
Doctor's Orders
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where on earth she is!
~ The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
~ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~ I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~ I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~ The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~ I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where on earth she is!
~ The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
~ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~ I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~ I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~ The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~ I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor says, "I can’t give you a double dose."
"Why not?" asks John.
"Because it's not safe," replies the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," says John.
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"Because," says John, "My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
On hearing this, the doctor agrees but says, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you’ve suffered any side effects."
On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"
John replies, "No one showed up."
"Why not?" asks John.
"Because it's not safe," replies the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," says John.
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"Because," says John, "My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
On hearing this, the doctor agrees but says, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you’ve suffered any side effects."
On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"
John replies, "No one showed up."
That was GREAT!!!:cheers:
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of bitches ! ." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of bitches ! ." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
lamajama
Well-Known Member
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
“One time I saw a Wino eating some grapes. I was like 'Dude, you have to WAIT!” -- Mitch Hedberg
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Don't drink white zinfandel.
Even if you like it. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, this would be it. The fact
that drinking white zin causes individuals to earn irreversible reputations for bad taste has
been proven by sociologists the world over.
The rest of my advice, on the other hand, has no basis more reliable than chain e-mail sent to me when I really
should have been working.
I will dispense this advice to you now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your virility.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your virility
until you're choking on Viagra like a frigging multi-vitamin. But trust me,
in 20 years, you'll look back at your sexual prowess and it'll hit you in
a way that you can't grasp. Like how it's not so bad to come too early-and how
fabulous it is to come at all.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation
while reading Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses backwards while balancing
a plate on your head. The real troubles in your life are apt to be
things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you
at 4pm on idle Tuesday, when you decide to surprise your wife and
come home from work early, and your best friend's Corvette is parked in the driveway.
Do one thing every day that scares the shit out of you. Like walking into South Central L.A. with a hood on your head.
Fart.
Don't be reckless with other people's cars, especially if they're more expensive than your own. Don't put up with people who
are reckless with yours, unless they have lots of insurance.
Get drunk.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, you
can always get plastic surgery and trade up anyway.
Remember compliments you receive. Return insults a thousandfold. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. I love a good
laugh.
Keep your old love letters. The love letters will remind you of how your wife wasn't always a nagging bitch.
Throw away old bank statements.
Especially the ones from the secret account your wife knows nothing about.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. They tell me about it all the time as they
wrap themselves up in a blanket and roll their shopping carts down Broadway in Santa Monica, mumbling "skittles,skittles, skittles."> >
Get plenty of calcium. Maybe you'll be featured in a "Got Milk" ad and make lots of money, like Steve Young, and Jennifer
Love-Hewitt.
Be kind to your knees. Be kind to your breasts.
You'll miss them when your breasts are at your knees.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. And maybe you're going to be the one that
saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall.
Remember that you can't congratulate yourself too much, or berate other people enough. Life is half chance, so if you come
out ahead, God must love you more than other people.
Dance, even if you're white.
Don't read directions. They're just a ploy engineered by paper manufacturers to sell unnecessary paper to the world.
Do not read beauty magazines. Porn is much more fun.
Get to know your parents. They're always good for a couple of bucks when you're in between jobs.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past, and might make more money than you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but Star Trek on UPN is forever.So are a few good friends. Work hard to bridge the
gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who remember you when you had hair.
Live in New York City once, but leave before someone ties you up in your apartment and chops your head off.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before you start wearing leather and hanging out with people named "Bruce."
Burp.
Accept certain inalienable truths: You will always work too hard, for too little money. Your wife's boobs will sag. So
will yours. Prices will soar, and no matter how much money you make, you won't be able to afford to buy the house you really, really want. You, too, will get old, and when you do, you will fantasize that when you were young, your wife's boobs didn't sag, prices were reasonable, and you didn't care how much money you had, because living in a filthy apartment with four other
guys off-campus with a cabinet full of Top Ramen and Lucky Lager was all you needed.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Unless they're really, really rich.
Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one will be dipped into by
someone else.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be liberal with supplying it. People love that.
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over
the ugly parts and recycling it so that somebody else, younger than you, can get screwed over just like you did, and you can point and laugh.
But trust me on the white zinfandel.
Even if you like it. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, this would be it. The fact
that drinking white zin causes individuals to earn irreversible reputations for bad taste has
been proven by sociologists the world over.
The rest of my advice, on the other hand, has no basis more reliable than chain e-mail sent to me when I really
should have been working.
I will dispense this advice to you now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your virility.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your virility
until you're choking on Viagra like a frigging multi-vitamin. But trust me,
in 20 years, you'll look back at your sexual prowess and it'll hit you in
a way that you can't grasp. Like how it's not so bad to come too early-and how
fabulous it is to come at all.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation
while reading Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses backwards while balancing
a plate on your head. The real troubles in your life are apt to be
things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you
at 4pm on idle Tuesday, when you decide to surprise your wife and
come home from work early, and your best friend's Corvette is parked in the driveway.
Do one thing every day that scares the shit out of you. Like walking into South Central L.A. with a hood on your head.
Fart.
Don't be reckless with other people's cars, especially if they're more expensive than your own. Don't put up with people who
are reckless with yours, unless they have lots of insurance.
Get drunk.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, you
can always get plastic surgery and trade up anyway.
Remember compliments you receive. Return insults a thousandfold. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. I love a good
laugh.
Keep your old love letters. The love letters will remind you of how your wife wasn't always a nagging bitch.
Throw away old bank statements.
Especially the ones from the secret account your wife knows nothing about.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. They tell me about it all the time as they
wrap themselves up in a blanket and roll their shopping carts down Broadway in Santa Monica, mumbling "skittles,skittles, skittles."> >
Get plenty of calcium. Maybe you'll be featured in a "Got Milk" ad and make lots of money, like Steve Young, and Jennifer
Love-Hewitt.
Be kind to your knees. Be kind to your breasts.
You'll miss them when your breasts are at your knees.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. And maybe you're going to be the one that
saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall.
Remember that you can't congratulate yourself too much, or berate other people enough. Life is half chance, so if you come
out ahead, God must love you more than other people.
Dance, even if you're white.
Don't read directions. They're just a ploy engineered by paper manufacturers to sell unnecessary paper to the world.
Do not read beauty magazines. Porn is much more fun.
Get to know your parents. They're always good for a couple of bucks when you're in between jobs.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past, and might make more money than you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but Star Trek on UPN is forever.So are a few good friends. Work hard to bridge the
gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who remember you when you had hair.
Live in New York City once, but leave before someone ties you up in your apartment and chops your head off.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before you start wearing leather and hanging out with people named "Bruce."
Burp.
Accept certain inalienable truths: You will always work too hard, for too little money. Your wife's boobs will sag. So
will yours. Prices will soar, and no matter how much money you make, you won't be able to afford to buy the house you really, really want. You, too, will get old, and when you do, you will fantasize that when you were young, your wife's boobs didn't sag, prices were reasonable, and you didn't care how much money you had, because living in a filthy apartment with four other
guys off-campus with a cabinet full of Top Ramen and Lucky Lager was all you needed.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Unless they're really, really rich.
Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one will be dipped into by
someone else.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be liberal with supplying it. People love that.
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over
the ugly parts and recycling it so that somebody else, younger than you, can get screwed over just like you did, and you can point and laugh.
But trust me on the white zinfandel.
My Car! My Car!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Killed any?", she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "how can you tell their sex?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Killed any?", she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "how can you tell their sex?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out...heaven knows where to.
More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?"
And this my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out...heaven knows where to.
More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?"
And this my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Although technically this isn't a joke it's still worthy....
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in li fe.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in li fe.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
Letter to Mens Helpline:
Hey mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been
cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up,
going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but
I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning
her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and
slipped them on... It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat,
that I noticed a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting
bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace
it?
Hey mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been
cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up,
going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but
I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning
her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and
slipped them on... It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat,
that I noticed a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting
bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace
it?
So, I was putting on a little weight, probably all that box wine I have been drinking. Anyway, I go to the doctor and he says "when you look down, can you see your 'manhood'?"
I say, "nope."
He says, "Well, I think you need to diet."
I say, "Diet? Why, what color is it now?"
I say, "nope."
He says, "Well, I think you need to diet."
I say, "Diet? Why, what color is it now?"
lamajama
Well-Known Member
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end
up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along
the floor, cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off
and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The man says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along
the floor, cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off
and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The man says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Ronsse610
Active Member
ooooh gonna tell this one to my friend who's a lawyer haha, well see what his response is....
Hell of a Day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
A man's wife came home and said,
"Honey, the car won't start, but I
know what the problem is."
He asked her what it was, and she
told him there was water in the
carburetor.
Her husband thought for a moment,
then said, "You know, I don't mean
this offensively, but you don't know
the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No," she insisted, "there's definitely
water in the carburetor."
"Okay, honey, that's fine," he said.
"I'll go take a look... where is it?"
"In the lake," she replied.
"Honey, the car won't start, but I
know what the problem is."
He asked her what it was, and she
told him there was water in the
carburetor.
Her husband thought for a moment,
then said, "You know, I don't mean
this offensively, but you don't know
the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No," she insisted, "there's definitely
water in the carburetor."
"Okay, honey, that's fine," he said.
"I'll go take a look... where is it?"
"In the lake," she replied.
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant." "But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the broad to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."
