A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
-
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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
Were you a cool guy in High School?
This little test is based on how cool you were in High School.
What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated...
It's pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.
Click below
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
This little test is based on how cool you were in High School.
What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated...
It's pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.
Click below
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
lamajama
Well-Known Member
What they say & What they mean:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been
filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want
and do it.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been
filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want
and do it.
Awesome!!!
Titlist is no longer the top selling golf ball here in Florida's The Villages.......
http://www.ohurleyrange.com/
http://www.ohurleyrange.com/
Might be too late for Sink to do this, but you never can tell.......
Daughter's First Date
Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder and pull him close to me so that only he can hear."
"Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember, I don't mind going back to prison.'"
Daughter's First Date
Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder and pull him close to me so that only he can hear."
"Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember, I don't mind going back to prison.'"
bigJake
Well-Known Member
that there is some pretty nasty aspersions you is castin toward ole Sink's yungin.
naw, just advice for him for his daughters dates.
BTW didn't his 'puter break down, is that he's MIA?
BTW didn't his 'puter break down, is that he's MIA?
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you ?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
These are entries to a poem contest asking for a
rhyme with the most romantic first line, but
least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, Love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
this describes everything you are not!!!
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!!!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up the rest of my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
what have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
rhyme with the most romantic first line, but
least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, Love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
this describes everything you are not!!!
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!!!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up the rest of my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
what have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbingfrom the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, when you were 16? ...And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, when you were 16? ...And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
Physics Saves Lives
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff"? the young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later, the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives"?
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally, the professor continued.
"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff"? the young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later, the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives"?
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally, the professor continued.
"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Whether you are a new parent, a parent for many years or just a big kid, here
are some previously misunderstood definitions clarified.
AMNESIA:
The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
IMPREGNABLE
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL:
When your life was still somewhat your own
are some previously misunderstood definitions clarified.
AMNESIA:
The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
IMPREGNABLE
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL:
When your life was still somewhat your own
These two rednecks were hunting one day and all of a sudden one of them keels over, out like a light.
The other redneck, not knowing what to do quickly calls 911. When the operator asks "what's wrong?", He says "I don't know we were just walking along and Bubba just falls over.
The operator asks "Is he dead?" and the redneck says "I don't know that either".
The operator says "well you need to make sure!"
The redneck says okay and lays the phone down.
A few seconds pass and then the operator hears "cha click, boom!"
The redneck comes back on the line and asks "Now What?"
The other redneck, not knowing what to do quickly calls 911. When the operator asks "what's wrong?", He says "I don't know we were just walking along and Bubba just falls over.
The operator asks "Is he dead?" and the redneck says "I don't know that either".
The operator says "well you need to make sure!"
The redneck says okay and lays the phone down.
A few seconds pass and then the operator hears "cha click, boom!"
The redneck comes back on the line and asks "Now What?"
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Job Application
This is (supposedly) an actual job application someone submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food establishment.
1.NAME: Greg Bulmash
2. DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
3. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.
4. EDUCATION: Yes.
5. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
6 SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
7. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes
8. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
9. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
10. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
11. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
12. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
13. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING (UP TO 50 LBS)?: Of what?
14. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
15. HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
16. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
17. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
18. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
19. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
This is (supposedly) an actual job application someone submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food establishment.
1.NAME: Greg Bulmash
2. DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
3. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.
4. EDUCATION: Yes.
5. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
6 SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
7. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes
8. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
9. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
10. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
11. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
12. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
13. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING (UP TO 50 LBS)?: Of what?
14. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
15. HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
16. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
17. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
18. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
19. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
NO Speak English
A Russian woman married an Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
Thinking?
Her husband speaks English....helloooooo !
Now get back to work !
I worry about you sometimes !
A Russian woman married an Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
Thinking?
Her husband speaks English....helloooooo !
Now get back to work !
I worry about you sometimes !
lamajama
Well-Known Member
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think real fast.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think real fast.
One morning, two 80-year-old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other elderly man wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.
The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of thirty."
The second man then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"You probably could, if you took two pills," replied the first man.
The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of thirty."
The second man then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"You probably could, if you took two pills," replied the first man.
Lamaze Class
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She then looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as everyone absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes"? answered the instructor.
"I was just wondering, wouldn't it be even more beneficial to her if she carried a golf bag while we walk"?
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She then looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as everyone absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes"? answered the instructor.
"I was just wondering, wouldn't it be even more beneficial to her if she carried a golf bag while we walk"?
Cool! I like! +1
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Daddy's 10 dating rules
rule 1
if you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up!!
Rule 2
you do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, i will remove them!!
Rule 3
i am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, i want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so i propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten times too big, and i will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, i will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist!!
Rule 4
i'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, i am the barrier, and i will kill you!!
Rule 5
it is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information i require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word i need from you on this subject is: Early!!
Rule 6
i have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is o.k. With my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, i will make you cry!!
Rule 7
as you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more then an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.if you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?!!
Rule 8
the following place are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Place where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are ok. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9
do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, i am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If i ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me!!
Rule 10
be afraid!! Be very afraid!! It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a nice rice paddy near hanoi. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as i wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine !!
rule 1
if you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up!!
Rule 2
you do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, i will remove them!!
Rule 3
i am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, i want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so i propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten times too big, and i will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, i will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist!!
Rule 4
i'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, i am the barrier, and i will kill you!!
Rule 5
it is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information i require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word i need from you on this subject is: Early!!
Rule 6
i have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is o.k. With my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, i will make you cry!!
Rule 7
as you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more then an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.if you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?!!
Rule 8
the following place are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Place where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are ok. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9
do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, i am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If i ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me!!
Rule 10
be afraid!! Be very afraid!! It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a nice rice paddy near hanoi. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as i wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine !!
