That was GREAT!
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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
Hey, Durdy...I guess your jokes are just too "Durdy"? :reddevil:
Sorry, that is about the only joke I can come up with today...
Sorry, that is about the only joke I can come up with today...
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Judy............Judy"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm
sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until
late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it
starts all over again"
"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"
"No............I'm a rabbit in Kansas ."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Judy............Judy"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm
sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until
late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it
starts all over again"
"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"
"No............I'm a rabbit in Kansas ."
I didn't get it at first, but then LOLed all over the floor!!!
Good joke following the recent close call of the Rapture...
Good joke following the recent close call of the Rapture...
Hopefully clean enough to not get deleted by mods...
The modern romance novel
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my undies. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘No’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
The modern romance novel
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my undies. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘No’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
crisso
New Member
Dogs are good
Dogs...Don't cry..love it when your mates come over..think you are a great singer..don't want a call when you are running late..if you are late,they are more excited to see you..will forgive you for playing with other dogs..get excited by rough play..don't care if you give their offspring away..think farts are funny..love body hair..love things left on the floor..are the same all month long..don't examine the relationship..parents don't visit..LOVE car trips..don't expect gifts..don't worry about germs..don't want to know about every other dog you have had..would rather a burger than a lobster to eat..don't keep you waiting..think you are funny when you are drunk
Dogs...Don't cry..love it when your mates come over..think you are a great singer..don't want a call when you are running late..if you are late,they are more excited to see you..will forgive you for playing with other dogs..get excited by rough play..don't care if you give their offspring away..think farts are funny..love body hair..love things left on the floor..are the same all month long..don't examine the relationship..parents don't visit..LOVE car trips..don't expect gifts..don't worry about germs..don't want to know about every other dog you have had..would rather a burger than a lobster to eat..don't keep you waiting..think you are funny when you are drunk
Well, who DOESN'T think I am funny when I am drunk?
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her..
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks...They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . ... 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her..
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks...They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . ... 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
My 1 day employment
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
bigJake
Well-Known Member
good one Sccoper, kind of reminds me of my first prostrate exam.
sometime on a slow day I'll go to the airport and go thru the security line 4 or 5 times and I don't even have a ticket. That kind of action usually costs a dinner and a movie.
bigJake
Well-Known Member
This is not a joke but a true story. I think it is clean enough to not get sensored?
My brother-in-law works at Home Depot. One day this old guy comes in looking for some large washers to use to raise the height of his toliet seat because when he sits down his balls hang in the water.
My brother-in-law works at Home Depot. One day this old guy comes in looking for some large washers to use to raise the height of his toliet seat because when he sits down his balls hang in the water.
Who do you think is the one pouring the drinks for me?
bigJake
Well-Known Member
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get
the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down
thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks !
together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get
the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down
thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks !
bigJake
Well-Known Member
BEWILDERED TEXAN
While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
My ears. From her screaming!? *not*
bigJake
Well-Known Member
i was kind of disappointed that warren (troll boy) left. i could have had alot of fun f***in with him. the good news is i got my extra battery yesterday so I should get my trolling motor hooked up today :lol:
A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The barkeep asks what he wants and gets some rum. The bartender strikes up a conversation with him. Hey I see a steering wheel between your legs...Aye mate! It be a steering wheel stuck between me legs. It's driving me nuts!!:biggrinjester:
