Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[RodInEscondido]

The Biker, The Girl & The Lion


A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

 

[RodInEscondido]

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After
her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.

"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says,
"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?”
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.

"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.

"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

 

[lamajama]

Obituary in 'Yorkshire Post' Newspaper

A couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.
The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the
newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, ´How much?! You've got to be joking! He finally agreed he would have to pay
something but wanted to spend as little as possible.
'I want summat simple, he explained. ´My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky.'
´Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman.
´Nay, lass, he said, ´she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say:"Gladys Braithwaite died."
´You must say when she died', insisted the lady in the office.
´Must I? OK, well, let's just put Died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do.'
´Okay," said the newspaper lady, "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.' The husband considered for a moment.
´Well," he said, "just include .....Sadly missed. .....That'll do.
´For the minimum price, you can have another four words iicluded, the woman explained.
´No, no, the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that."
´You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price.'
´Are they indeed? You mean I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?´Yes, indeed, Mr Braithwaite.' ´Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin em.'

The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post.

Gladys Braithwaite died 17th January 2016.
Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.

 

[lamajama]

I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Montreal Lake Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about:

I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot.


He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."

Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside.

And WHAT THE HELL-


MY CAR WAS GONE !!!!

 

[lamajama]

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there, little girl. I'm Donald Trump. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Trump.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.
Trump was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that Trump should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So, the next day Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Trump got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."
Taken by surprise, Trump stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

 

[lamajama]

Men Are Just Happier People.



What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.



A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.



You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.



NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[Seadoobuddy]

"Sister Judy woke up one morning feeling great. She got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.

On her way over there, she ran into sister Jane. “Hi, Sister Jane,” she greeted her.

“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed, Sister,” Jane replied. Judy did not understand what Sister Jane meant by that, so she ignored it and went on her way.

She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta. “Good morning, Sister Roberta! I am having a great day.”

“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed,” Sister Roberta replied mysteriously.

The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great, so she decided to go and see Mother Superior.

“Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, even though I feel great today,” Judy explained, troubled.

Mother Superior responded,”That is because you have Brother John’s shoes on.”

 

[lamajama]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected............

• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

• I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

• Take my advice I'm certainly not using it.

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

• Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I'll let her sleep

• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

 

[lamajama]

God Bless America !I THINK, A PRAYER IS NEEDED!

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) –prez candidate---called, furious about a Florida package we didd. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8 A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over
all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know
which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one
of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to
Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Husband tries to get on his wife’s nerves, but how he does it is priceless


I think it’s safe to say wives and husbands get on each others nerves, and sometimes it’s intentional. But, maybe the men enjoy it a little more than the women. Here’s one husband’s account of how he successfully gets on his wife’s nerves:

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s when the fight started….

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started….

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started….

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And that’s when the fight started….

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s when the fight started….

 

[Seadoobuddy]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!

 

[WhipSplash]

A pizza parlor employee once received a very confusing call from an irate customer:

Customer: Hey, man! I ordered a pizza and it came with no toppings. No pepperoni! No cheese! Just plain bread!
Pizza Parlor: We’re so sorry to hear about this. Just to clarify, it was all flat bread, crust and all?
Customer: Yes, it's.. oh, wait a minute..

The pizza parlor employee didn't know what to further say about the situation when..

Customer: Never mind, no wonder. I opened the box upside down. :/

 

[WhipSplash]

A child once asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[WhipSplash]

A couple was once driving through Louisiana.

As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

 

[lamajama]

If you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next
10 years, whether or not you are successful.

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing us and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying
to win.

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and
only the rich own horses.

The doctors who told Stephen Hawking in 1953 that he had 2 years to live are
probably dead by now.

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each
of them.

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

sheriff Matt Dillion: "Whoa Chester! you can't be running around like that without your
clothes...how do you explain yourself?"
Chester: "Well you know... me and Miss Kitty were riding out by the Thomas ranch and we stopped at
that little lake to water our horses...then Miss Kitty said "it would
sure be nice if we could take a swim here being so hot as it is"...and
I told her we didn't have no bathing suits. Miss Kitty then told me to
hide behind a bush while she got naked and in the lake...then I was to
do the same. After a few minuets we both came out of that lake...both
naked! and Miss Kitty said to me "you know Chester now that we are
both naked...and there is nobody around...and you're a man and I'm a
woman...I can't think of one reason why you don't just "mount up" and
"go to town!" "So here I am Mr Dillon!"

 

[scooper77515]

It has been a long time, but I figured I would come back and see what's up on this thread.

Lots of good additions!!! :thumbsup:

 

[lamajama]

What deep things retired men think about....

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."


She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I repliied—I WASN’T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW.


The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

 

[lamajama]

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied:

"Shit! I didn't recognize you!"

 

[lamajama]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and

asked him how he ended up this way.



He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.

I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,

I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet,

and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line.

I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."



I felt sorry for him, so I asked,

"What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"



"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.

"No, no.... I was Paroled..."​

 

[lamajama]

LEXOPHILIA - Ya Gotta Love It
"Lexophile" describes those who have a love for words, such as
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
"To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.


This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
​

​

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.​

 

[lamajama]

THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY Written by Anna. Posted in Marriage

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ...

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

"Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

"Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're ..."

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.



Traumatic memory recalled by Anna
----

 

[lamajama]

One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley in
the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just
been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit
spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably
should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun
collection, and your fishing gear, and the seadoos and lose all those
stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and
your home brewing equipment..."

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, “I wasn't.."​

 

[AKnarrowback]

My job is in the Aerospace industry and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain link?"

Ah dang it!

My best friend worked for Raytheon, I wish I could have used that one before he passed away.

 

[AKnarrowback]

What do you call a blind Deer?

No eye deer.....




What do you call a blind Deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer......




What do you call a blind Deer with no legs and no "hanging parts".

Still no %$#% eye deer......