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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure if it works so well, though. Last Week, I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
 
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.” He practically went into shock.

He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day? You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!”
 
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past eighty-five).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much ... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!

''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling? ''No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex? ''No,' I said ..

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a crap?'
 
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 11-17 near Thunder Bay, Ontario early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 11-17.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"
 
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99


Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read


Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.


Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.


Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.


Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.


Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.


Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.


Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
 
Johnny knows better.....

Math Problem

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"
 
BEER Drinking joke:

The Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though.
 
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'


A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 
The Best Reply To A Sixth Grader. This Is Perfect.

One day after lunch, sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Ward asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Not one student raised their hand, so Mrs. Ward calls on the first student to look her way. “Kelly, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Kelly stands up, her face is extremely red. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to tell my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”

Mrs. Ward is stunned by Kelly’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question for a second. This time Robbie raises his hand. “Yes, Robbie?” says Mrs. Ward.

“Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”

“Very good, Robbie. Thank you.” Mrs. Ward replied.

Then she turns to Kelly and says, “Kelly, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”
 
PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but the dog moaned and the phone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.
 
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad Stan".
One day Stan's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around and saw our friend Stan, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Stan became a heart surgeon?
 
***Little Thelma's Valentine...

Little Thelma came home from first grade and told her father that they had learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asked, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thought a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"The ISIS terrorists," she said.

"Why the ISIS terrorists?" her father asked in shock.

"Well," she said, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give the terrorists a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to the terrorists, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved us and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Though skeptical of the idea, her father's heart swelled and he looked at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma said, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the Sheite out of them!"
 
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds
into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked
at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this
time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 
British Protocol.
In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a remote jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, hes my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, warty, scabbed and pockmarked bandy-legged specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall and with a marked odour. "Smithers, old chap, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst Military Academy, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in fencing and equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to F**k off."
 
While playing on the back nine, a woman’s ball soared towards a bystander. She watched and winced as she saw him put his hands together between his legs, fall to the ground, and scream out in pain.

The woman hurried over, informed the man that she was a doctor, and offered to relieve his discomfort, to which he hesitantly agreed.

She moved his hands aside, unzipped his pants, and massaged him for a few minutes before asking, “How does it feel?”

The man replied, “It feels wonderful, but I still think my thumb is broken.”
 
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.
"So," he says to them, "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses. "Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza. "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property."
Sarah replies, "Property? The cheap ass schlemiel had a paper route!"
 
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for my wife’s birthday I bought her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started. What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iRate.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.
 
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.


"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.


"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"


Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"


"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
 
So it is too hot to be outside until later so am cleaning up old emails

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois,bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about
to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group
of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity
either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best
last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long,
deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers,
and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a
real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing
suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether (s)he jumped or was pushed.
 
Ok, this is the last one for today ... do not encourage me otherwise

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston
recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined
the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's
beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been
killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an
Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of
truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always
have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
 
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