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Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!
- Thread starter scooper77515
- Start date
RodInEscondido
Well-Known Member
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary and Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was baptized Catholic?
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary and Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was baptized Catholic?
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Things to look forward to when you are over seventy
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy who gives a sh*t?
lamajama
Well-Known Member
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.
He approached a local person and asked;
"What's the quickest way to Marystown?"
The local, scratched his head;
\"Are ya walkin' ER drivin'?" He asked the stranger.
"I'm driving." said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way." said the Newfie.
He approached a local person and asked;
"What's the quickest way to Marystown?"
The local, scratched his head;
\"Are ya walkin' ER drivin'?" He asked the stranger.
"I'm driving." said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way." said the Newfie.
Spimothy Leary
Well-Known Member
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. . . I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I'd want you to relax. . . Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then. . ." He sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I'd want you to relax. . . Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then. . ." He sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat!!!!
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accidentand we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision. "
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor returns the next day,
"So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision. "
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor returns the next day,
"So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
RodInEscondido
Well-Known Member
Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at
the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if
you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Linda, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know
how much he charges for Howard."
When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at
the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if
you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Linda, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know
how much he charges for Howard."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
THE CONFESSION
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much.... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbour:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed ˜Wi-Fi To "Wife."
Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much.... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbour:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed ˜Wi-Fi To "Wife."
Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.
His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
billy says: "i'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty' yet."
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
billy says: "it works for ketchup!
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.
His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
billy says: "i'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty' yet."
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
billy says: "it works for ketchup!
I can't see your avatar.. looks like the image is messed up!
lamajama
Well-Known Member
MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building
to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist
Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with
morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike,
the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the
power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business --
either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears
from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly
believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's bullshit."
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building
to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist
Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with
morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike,
the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the
power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business --
either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears
from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly
believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's bullshit."
Mickirig1
Well-Known Member
This is a joke that works with a mixed group of males and females.
The last time my wife and I went out and got drunk she got blitzed.
The next morning she came down the steps slowly. Limped across the floor and said:
I don't remember what happened last night.
I am limping and my butt hurts!
As people say: Oh My God I Can't Believe You Just Said That!
LOOK AT THEM. Say what the hell were you thinking??
She fell down HARD in the bar's parking lot!
The last time my wife and I went out and got drunk she got blitzed.
The next morning she came down the steps slowly. Limped across the floor and said:
I don't remember what happened last night.
I am limping and my butt hurts!
As people say: Oh My God I Can't Believe You Just Said That!
LOOK AT THEM. Say what the hell were you thinking??
She fell down HARD in the bar's parking lot!
Not on my list....
We’ve all heard our fair share of bar jokes. Some of them warrant a chuckle, some a groan, but we’ve come across a few that actually make us laugh. Below you’ll find 20 great takes on the classic “A guy walks into a bar…” joke.
1. Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
2. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
3. A guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says, "Hey pal, don't start anything in here."
4. So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse has crippling depression, alcoholism is his only escape.
5. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a pint and a mop."
6. Helium walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve Noble Gases here." He doesn't react.
7. A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Freddy?"
8. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O." The second chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H20 too." The second chemist dies.
9. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H20." The second chemist says, "I'll take a water too." The first chemist breaks down in tears. His assassination attempt failed.
10. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?" The German replies, "Nein, just one."
11. George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar, and everyone you've ever loved dies.
12. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
13. So a five dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles bar."
14. A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."
15. A Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers, and says, "Five beers please."
16. A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into the bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
17. So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
18. A Roman walks into a bar and says, "One martinus please." The bartender replies, "Don't you mean martini?" The Roman says, "If I wanted more than one, I would have asked."
19.Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."
20. A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?"
- See more at: http://thedrinknation.com/articles/...fdf-ead72d32c9-401686693#sthash.hY9FU4vm.dpuf
We’ve all heard our fair share of bar jokes. Some of them warrant a chuckle, some a groan, but we’ve come across a few that actually make us laugh. Below you’ll find 20 great takes on the classic “A guy walks into a bar…” joke.
1. Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
2. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
3. A guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says, "Hey pal, don't start anything in here."
4. So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse has crippling depression, alcoholism is his only escape.
5. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a pint and a mop."
6. Helium walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve Noble Gases here." He doesn't react.
7. A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Freddy?"
8. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O." The second chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H20 too." The second chemist dies.
9. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, "I'll have a glass of H20." The second chemist says, "I'll take a water too." The first chemist breaks down in tears. His assassination attempt failed.
10. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Dry?" The German replies, "Nein, just one."
11. George R. R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar, and everyone you've ever loved dies.
12. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
13. So a five dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles bar."
14. A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."
15. A Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers, and says, "Five beers please."
16. A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into the bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
17. So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
18. A Roman walks into a bar and says, "One martinus please." The bartender replies, "Don't you mean martini?" The Roman says, "If I wanted more than one, I would have asked."
19.Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."
20. A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?"
- See more at: http://thedrinknation.com/articles/...fdf-ead72d32c9-401686693#sthash.hY9FU4vm.dpuf
lamajama
Well-Known Member
A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
slowboatn
New Member
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Subject: State of Drunkeness
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 A.M.
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels like s#!t. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't
pissed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one
big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in
perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during
the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is
seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your
body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented
fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good right about now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 A.M.
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels like s#!t. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't
pissed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one
big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in
perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during
the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is
seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your
body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented
fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good right about now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Elderly Couple
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some
time there once, " then under his breath added " and had the worst sex
with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some
time there once, " then under his breath added " and had the worst sex
with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Humour for smart people
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained.
"But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained.
"But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Note: All I recall of this is "90% less lawyers...."....
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt.
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years - and most people didn't see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on paper film again? Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law.
So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long time, before it became superior and mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.
Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.
Welcome to the Exponential Age.
Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world.
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world.
This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
In the US, young lawyers already don't get jobs.
Because of IBM Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans.
So if you study law, stop immediately.
There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 times more accurately than human nurses.
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans.
In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars will appear in public.
Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted.
You don't want to own a car anymore.
You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination.
You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving.
Our kids will never get a driver's license and will never own a car.
It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that.
We can transform former parking space into parks. (1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide.)
We now have one accident every 100,000 km, with autonomous driving that will drop to one accident in 10 million km.
That will save a million lives each year.
Most car companies might go bankrupt.
Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
I spoke to a lot of engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; they are completely terrified of Tesla.
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x cheaper.
Their car insurance business model will disappear.
Real estate will change.
Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighborhood.
Electric cars will become mainstream until 2020.
Cities will be less noisy because all cars will run on batteries
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can only now see the impact.
Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil.
The price for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be out of business by 2025.
With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water.
Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter.
We don't have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water.
Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year.
There will be companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.
It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease.
It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medicine, nearly for free.
3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to $400 within 10 years.
In the same time, it became 100 times faster.
All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes.
Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports.
The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.
At the end of this year, new smart-phones will have 3D scanning possibilities.
You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.
In China, they already 3D printed a complete 6-story office building.
By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask yourself: "In the future, do you think we will have that?" and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?
If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea.
And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed to failure in the 21st century.
Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years.
There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a small time.
Agriculture: There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future.
Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all day in their fields.
Aeroponics will need much less water.
The first petri dish-produced veal is now available and will be cheaper than cow-produced veal in 2018.
Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows.
Imagine if we don't need that space anymore.
There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly.
It contains more protein than meat.
It will be labeled as "alternative protein source" (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).
There is an app called "moodies" which can already tell in which mood you are.
Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions if you are lying.
Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when they are telling the truth and when not.
Bitcoin will become mainstream this year and might even become the default reserve currency.
Longevity: Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year.
Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it's 80 years.
The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more than one year increase per year.
So we all might live for a long, long time, probably way more than 100.
Education: The cheapest smart-phones are already at $10 in Africa and Asia.
By 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone.
That means, everyone has the same access to world class education.
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt.
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years - and most people didn't see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on paper film again? Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law.
So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long time, before it became superior and mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.
Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.
Welcome to the Exponential Age.
Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world.
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world.
This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
In the US, young lawyers already don't get jobs.
Because of IBM Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans.
So if you study law, stop immediately.
There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 times more accurately than human nurses.
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans.
In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars will appear in public.
Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted.
You don't want to own a car anymore.
You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination.
You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving.
Our kids will never get a driver's license and will never own a car.
It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that.
We can transform former parking space into parks. (1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide.)
We now have one accident every 100,000 km, with autonomous driving that will drop to one accident in 10 million km.
That will save a million lives each year.
Most car companies might go bankrupt.
Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
I spoke to a lot of engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; they are completely terrified of Tesla.
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x cheaper.
Their car insurance business model will disappear.
Real estate will change.
Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighborhood.
Electric cars will become mainstream until 2020.
Cities will be less noisy because all cars will run on batteries
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can only now see the impact.
Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil.
The price for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be out of business by 2025.
With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water.
Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter.
We don't have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water.
Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year.
There will be companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.
It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease.
It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medicine, nearly for free.
3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to $400 within 10 years.
In the same time, it became 100 times faster.
All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes.
Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports.
The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.
At the end of this year, new smart-phones will have 3D scanning possibilities.
You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.
In China, they already 3D printed a complete 6-story office building.
By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask yourself: "In the future, do you think we will have that?" and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?
If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea.
And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed to failure in the 21st century.
Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years.
There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a small time.
Agriculture: There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future.
Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all day in their fields.
Aeroponics will need much less water.
The first petri dish-produced veal is now available and will be cheaper than cow-produced veal in 2018.
Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows.
Imagine if we don't need that space anymore.
There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly.
It contains more protein than meat.
It will be labeled as "alternative protein source" (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).
There is an app called "moodies" which can already tell in which mood you are.
Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions if you are lying.
Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when they are telling the truth and when not.
Bitcoin will become mainstream this year and might even become the default reserve currency.
Longevity: Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year.
Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it's 80 years.
The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more than one year increase per year.
So we all might live for a long, long time, probably way more than 100.
Education: The cheapest smart-phones are already at $10 in Africa and Asia.
By 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone.
That means, everyone has the same access to world class education.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
Local News Bulletin: MAN'S BODY FOUND IN HUDSON RIVER
Cohoes, NY Police reported finding a man’s body in the Hudson River, near the confluence of the Mohawk River, at Peebles Island park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ’Trump for President’ T-shirt. He also had a large cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Trump T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
Cohoes, NY Police reported finding a man’s body in the Hudson River, near the confluence of the Mohawk River, at Peebles Island park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ’Trump for President’ T-shirt. He also had a large cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Trump T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
lamajama
Well-Known Member
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.â€
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked fellow, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.â€
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of.....â€
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.â€
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked fellow, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.â€
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of.....â€
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."
Mickirig1
Well-Known Member
Not a joke, but a story from life as a Paramedic. We get a call for a fall victim. The Fire Dept response first and most times we transport to the hospital. We pull up and the report writer tells me it's an 80 year old, 80 pound black lady that broke her hip. She has dementia. The other guys are bringing her down in a sheet from the 3rd floor. They come through the door and she was too cute. Holding onto the sheet on both sides and grinning. I see her and said: Look at the cute bug in a rug. She looks at me and says: I am a bug in a rug and your NOT BABY! They start down the 10 steps to the side walk where are cot is. She yells: yeah, down the steps, faster guys! They place her on cot she says: Thanks for the ride boys, see ya later alligators. Get her in the back of squad and she still makes us laugh. We get to the hospital and it's hot as hell and humid out. My partner opens the doors in back and the heat and humidity roll in like an open oven door. I tell her: Tell him to shut the oven door! She looks at him and says: Shut the oven door, WE PIES ARE NOT DONE! ---- I just love pleasant and funny Dementia patients! We both have a great time!
