Scooper's Jokes!!! Enjoy! Add your own!

[Seadoobuddy]

MY WIFE'S RIDING LAWN MOWER IS NOW FOR SALE !
Here’s the story. Its still hard to believe the way it turned out.
My wife said she wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work,
and I thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done
quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.
I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.
I even put a light on it so she could work at night (see photo below),
after she finishes putting away the dinner dishes.

To this day I still can’t understand why some women are so hard to please!!




P.S.
I can see out of my left eye pretty good now and should be able to leave the hospital sometime next week!

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Morrie's Insurance claim for house fire.

Morrie's home burned down so he called the insurance company. Morrie spoke to the insurance agent and said, 'We had that home insured for $5,000,000.00, and I want my money.' The agent replied, 'Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new home of similar worth.'
There was a long pause, and then Morrie replied, 'If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my wife.'

 

[scooper77515]

A little something to offend everyone!

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb butt!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pi$$ing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

[lamajama]

Some old, some new.....and my wife is blonde so I'm allowed...

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs..

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog
is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, > "I put the dog in our backyard ....let's see how THEY like it!


Two Blonde's With Hammers...

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'


Did you hear about the two blonde's who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'


You might have to think twice about this one:

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I
thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting
myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to
get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought:.........'This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled
the trigger.


A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'


A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blonde replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Those are pretty good.....
I saw this one today....could also be a repeat here.


Robert calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

"I did," Rhonda replies, "they were in your tackle box."

 

[scooper77515]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question." What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[scooper77515]

Redneck mousetrap...

nevermind, picture wouldn't work. it was supposed to be a gif that moved.

 

[RodInEscondido]

Redneck mousetrap...

nevermind, picture wouldn't work. it was supposed to be a gif that moved.

Don't laugh, it works ... I have seen/used varients of the idea

Rod

 

[scooper77515]

Oh, I bet it would work! Works like what we call a "Squirrel-a-whirl" down here in Texas. Picture a three legged wheel hub on a tree, with a dried corn cob at the end of each leg. The squirrels don't give up,and as they get out to the ends, the thing spins around and throws them off.

Oh, such fun, to sip a beer and watch the squirrels go flying, and never give up, and get back up and try it again.

Somehow, they eventually get all the corn off, so you have to replace the ears about once per week.

 

[scooper77515]

True story. I did this this afternoon...

So, my brother in law was making beer today, and at the bottom of the pot he was boiling all the ingredients in, there was this nasty brown sludge, consisting of various oats and hops, etc. So, he was washing the pot out and I said "hold on..." and grabbed a couple sheets of toilet paper, wiped a good-sized wad of that sludge onto it, and went to his kids' bathroom (10 year old boy, and a set of 8 year old twin boys), and placed it, sludge-side up, on the toilet seat.

I then called all the boys to the bathroom, and using a stern voice, proceeded to harass them about "who was the child that left this soiled TP on the toilet???!!!???!!!" They all squirmed and denied it, and after I figured they were plenty upset, I picked up the toilet paper, and wiped that sludge down the side of my face.

Imagine the looks on those three boys' faces!!!

Ahhhh...the taunting of a jokester uncle will scar those precious minds for life!!!

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Great but i would told the boys , next time I catch you doing this ....you'll eat just like this, then take a big slurp of it.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Proper vehicle maintenance:

Woman adding a quart of oil to her car…
I guess maintaining a vehicle is a lot like cooking?
(Notice my admirable restraint: No cheap blonde joke here!)




****EDIT****
AAHH shoot, it's suppose to be moving & showing the blonde pouring oil all over the engine.

OK OCOD how do i save it to show the motion?????

 

[scooper77515]

Yeah, I lost the motion in my previous mouse trap post, too. It is a GIF file, but when they upload to the forum, they convert to JPG which is a still photo.

As for the toilet paper joke, Yes, I am sorry I did not lick it off the paper, that would have been awesome. But seriously,it looked nasty, and even though I knew what is was, and it was safe to eat, i doubt I could have done it without gagging.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Yeah, I lost the motion in my previous mouse trap post, too. It is a GIF file, but when they upload to the forum, they convert to JPG which is a still photo.

As for the toilet paper joke, Yes, I am sorry I did not lick it off the paper, that would have been awesome. But seriously,it looked nasty, and even though I knew what is was, and it was safe to eat, i doubt I could have done it without gagging.

it probably would have been bitter with a lot of hoppy flavor & whatever else he used.......I would not have swallowed it.

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois,bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether (s)he jumped or was pushed.

 

[scooper77515]

I really hate getting duped...

 

[scooper77515]

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[griz400]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[Seadoobuddy]

Not really a joke......

I am not big on bird watching. Neither am I
particularly into taking pictures. However, I
have something I have to share with you.
Out for a walk, I came across a
nesting falcon in a tree! I couldn't believe it !!
I ran home and got my camera as quick
as I could, but I figured I would not be fast enough.
But, lo and behold, it was still up there in the tree,
so I took a picture of it. Ain't it amazing???
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


Kinda wish I had that "bird" today all fixed up and shiny looking for the Woodward Dream Cruise this weekend in Michigan.

 

[Coastiejoe]

I had to leave the house at 4am for a flight. Didn't want to bother my fiancée so I got dressed in the dark.

Drove to the parking lot an something didn't feel right. Looked at my feet and I had two different brown shoes on.

Went back to the car, threw the brown shoes in the back an now I will be wearing tennis shoes for three days.

They look great with my Tommy Bahama shirts,,,

 

[bigJake]

BEE STING [TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf When she suffered a bee sting.. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return To the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said.. 'Where', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Seadoobuddy]

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?
They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

 

[lamajama]

Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

 

[Spimothy Leary]

deleted...

"it was a repeat"

 

[scooper77515]

My new favorite bar!!!